The Fast - Day 5

Friday, February 16, 2024

Weak and hungry. Woozy and moving slowly. Wondering how I’ll be able to do my job tonight that requires strength and energy. Planning to have some oatmeal before I go. Mike was telling me about the delicious buffet he had last night at a hockey game (he took a day off from the fast), and I got so into his description that a little trickle of drool actually escaped the corner of my mouth. Watching a cooking class webinar. I miss food. Having trouble getting focused on the Lord. Swore once this morning but caught myself a few times and didn’t. Still swearing in my mind more than I should be. 

I told myself that I could have oatmeal this afternoon. I thought about that oatmeal all morning. By 11:15, I thought, “If I start heating the water right now and I do it real slowly, it will be afternoon by the time it’s done.” When the water finally got hot enough, I put in the oats, stirred them around and watched them swirling and dancing in the water. After ten minutes, I took them off the heat so they wouldn’t get mushy, but it was only 11:54, so I set them on the counter, smelled them, and breathed in the steam, imagining how good they were going to taste. At 11:59, I loaded some onto a spoon and positioned it in front of my  mouth, so as soon as the clock turned 12:00, I shoveled it in. I made a big pot full of oats, and I ate it all. I’m full and ready to work. 

I got to work at OSF and saw this gauze pack on the desk. I was sure it was fresh mozzarella.

The Lord’s message to me today is that He will finish what He started in me. Give Him the little I have to offer, and in His big hands, it is more than enough. You see the light more clearly in darkness. It shines brighter. 

The Fast - Day 4

Thursday, February 15, 2024

I had a singing lesson this morning, and my teacher right away noticed my voice sounded different. She asked me if I’ve been sick. I told her I’ve been fasting, and she said she could tell, because my voice is weak. Having trouble getting my brain to recite the scriptures that I have memorized. Feeling weak. Made it through the whole day and then caved in the evening. Ate a bunch of saltines and a big smoothie made with almond milk, protein powder, spinach and banana. I think I may have figured out what was causing my stomach issues yesterday. Electrolytes on an empty stomach. Not drinking Liquid IV anymore. No stomach problems today. I learn something every time I fast. Didn’t spend enough time with God today. Working on a project that took most of the day. I did ask Him what songs He wanted to do for Sunday night, and He was faithful to tell me. 

The Fast - Day 3

Wednesday, February 14, 2024

I forgot to mention that Mike is fasting with me! That makes it so much easier. I don't have to worry about feeding him or feel guilty for not feeding him, and we can empathize with each other's suffering. He's not doing exactly the same fast, but we're in it together. 

The Lord directed me to Deuteronomy 30 and spoke to me about choices. I have the power to choose life or death. Today I choose life and health in my physical, emotional, and spiritual being!  Verse 14 says, “But the word is very near you. It is in your mouth and in your heart, so that you can do it.”  His word is in my mouth; I don't need food in my mouth. I can do it!

Feeling surprisingly good today. Went to water aerobics and had plenty of energy. Of course I would like to eat, but so far I’ve been able to distract myself (of course, it’s only noon, and the hardest part is usually the evening).

Well, now it’s 3:00pm, and I’m having stomach upset and feeling cold and not great.

9:00pm update:  I had a couple minor slips tonight. My stomach felt bad, empty and churning so I ate several saltines. Felt better but ate more than I should have of something that I wasn’t planning on eating during the fast at all, let alone on day 3. This is the first day that a swear word came out of my mouth too. Not in anger or insult, just as an adjective that I’d like to stop using. Caught myself right away and got back on track. 

The Fast - Day 2

Tuesday, February 13, 2004

Not hungry and woke up with no desire to eat. Cleaned my bathroom and did some vacuuming to warm myself. Did it in sections because I don't have much energy. Feeling pleasantly dizzy. Stomach started growling and I wanted to eat. Drank a cucumber-mojito Liquid IV, just because I wanted something warm. I heated it on the stove and stirred it with a whisk and pretended I was cooking something. I don’t normally like that flavor much, but right now it’s delicious. And delightfully warm. I was going to try to last on plain water a little longer, but it’s all good. Spent some time with God and wrote a song based on a vision He gave me.

I was scheduled to work at my food-centric job today, but my boss said to take the day off. That has never happened before. God's grace for sure. I didn’t request the day off, didn’t mention anything at all to anyone, but here I am with a day off and thankful for it! Cooking and serving and talking about and being surrounded by food all day at work is probably the most difficult part of fasting.

 

The Fast - Day 1

God invited me to do a 21-day fast. I decided to blog it to give testimony to what the Lord will do.  The purpose is not to impress anyone with how holy I am (I am not) or to work for God's love (He already loves me), or manipulate Him into doing something (that's not how He works). The goal is to crown my spirit ruler over my flesh, to reset my body to be the holy temple that God designed it to be. The plan is to consume water only, as long as possible and then add other liquids as needed, and oatmeal if I get desperate. I'm also trying to stop swearing and to guard my thoughts better. This plan is based on lessons I've learned from previous fasts. My main prayer focus during this one is the leaders of my church and school, a couple friends, and a family member with a health issue.

Monday, February 12, 2024

Today is the day of small beginnings. Zech. 4:10 tells us, "Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin." And Phil. 1:6 tells us that He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it. When I was walking out of the library today, I felt strangely separate from this world, almost like I was floating in another realm. Being driven by earthly things ties me to this world. Shifting my focus lets me more easily pass through the thin veil that divides Earth from the spiritual realm. 

It wasn’t a bad day, but now it’s evening and I’m feeling irritable, tired, a little cold and headachy,  and I want to eat. My stomach growled a few times, probably just out of habit. I snacked on a bowl of ice until Shiloh got to it. Made me wish someone would invent hot ice or just crunchy water or something to do with your mouth that doesn’t make you cold. Went to pool class and everyone talked about food. First 24 hours down. 480 to go.  

Wisconsin vacation

We got here on Sunday during a near-record heat wave with temps in the mid-90s. I spent some time in the lake (some planned, and some unplanned), and my phone did too, so it's been a struggle trying to function without it. I miss it. Thankful I brought my little point and shoot camera, which has a neck strap AND a wrist strap, both of which I utilized so it wouldn't meet the same demise as my phone.  This is Friday, and the temps are now in the mid-40s.  I brought two swimsuits and a winter coat on this trip. We're staying at a house on a lake, and Mike didn't even bring a swimsuit. I have been in the water every day, although yesterday was so cold that only my feet were in the lake, and not for very long, but I love water and if it's around, I must be in it. 

Today was the best day! Mike was searching online and discovered Ottawa National Forest, about 20 miles away in Michigan's Upper Peninsula. I had heard of the Upper Peninsula but never been there and didn't even realize it's a whole separate part of Michigan. It looks like it should be part of Wisconsin. At some point we crossed into the Eastern time zone and back, and I was confused what time it was all day and now I have jet lag. It was 47 degrees and cloudy when we started out this morning around 9:00. We stopped for breakfast at a town called Watersmeet, Michigan, the self-proclaimed "Home of the Nimrods" as they proudly display on signs all around town.

The cafe was called Roadhouse Grill or something like that, and certainly nowhere we would have stopped by looking at it from the outside, but Mike has a gift for finding great breakfast places online, and this was what he picked. The inside didn't look much better than the outside, and the carpet (yes, it was carpeted) was so filthy that Mike said it looked like there'd been a fire. The whiteboard advertised a breakfast "burritto" as the day's special. A sign around the corner promoted "Big HONKIN' Sandwiches".  Immediately, I noticed an older guy telling what was clearly a gripping story, so I chose a table close to him. We came to learn that his name is Don, a Vietnam vet with a New York accent and a knack for telling great stories. He told one about a bear he had killed and had turned into a rug and had the feet sewn back on it. He also told of a locust he found in his yard that was the size of a robin and he tried to catch it so he could eat it but it flew away. Then there was the time he was out in his boat and saw a huge catfish in the lake but he didn't have his net, so he went home to get it, got back in the boat, drove back out on the lake to where he thought the catfish was, and it was still there, just sitting there in the same spot waiting for him. His gesticulations were almost as entertaining as his words.

Then we went to the Ottawa National Forest Visitor Center to get tips about hiking trails and met another interesting character named Marti. As I listened to her spinning tales about Native Americans and animals and local lore, I wished I could introduce her to Don and listen to them talk all day. She was a fascinating fount of information, a former teacher and photographer, who insisted on taking our picture with Smokey the Bear and a stuffed wolf. 

Mike disappeared into the bathroom, and I asked Marti questions about porcupines and trees, and she referred me to the naturalist, Joe, who had such beautiful hair that I asked him if I could touch it.  He readily agreed, so when Mike came around the corner, he found me looking at what turned out to be a European Mountain Ash and petting Joe's lovely curls. We left with maps, posters, and directions to Bond Falls, which Marti assured Mike were the best waterfalls in the area, with access to good hiking. 

We took an accidental detour several miles in the opposite direction, so by the time we reached the falls, the sun was coming out, and it was warming up to be a perfect day. Marti was so right! The falls were a wonder, and we hiked all around them and appreciated them from the front, back, left, and right.

Rocks and woods all around, and no real trail, so we were free to wander and explore.  I found a natural recliner formed by a tree and its roots on the edge of the river, and I spent a long time reclining there and praising the Lord for His goodness. 

I ended the day with a solo trip on a paddleboat, which is the safest of the watercraft available to me. I paddled out to the middle of the lake and convinced a loon that she didn't need to be afraid of me. I approached slowly and sang her a song about us called "Two Loons Paddling on a Lake" and she turned to look at me. I admired her for a long time and then paddled closer to shore, through a field of aquatic plants that threatened to tangle my rudder. A speedboat zoomed by, and I enjoyed bobbing in the waves its wake created. 

Dirge for my oldest friend

I finally decided to euthanize my old piano.  I wrote her this dirge, cried (a lot), and played her one last time before I disassembled her. 

You've always been there, a steady presence my whole life. My first memory of you is watching my dad play “Ain't She Sweet”. I watched my brother master you. You stretched out long when my 7-year-old fingers couldn't even reach an octave. You absorbed my angry teenage tears when I didn't want to practice. You stood stoically when I left you behind for college. When I moved into my own house, you came with me. We moved you with us to our second home, then our third and fourth. When I got busy with life, you waited patiently for me to return to you. I taught my children to play you. You barely flinched when my little boy ran his monster truck into you. You didn't make a peep when my young daughter stuffed library books inside you. You collected dust as I neglected you for years. You tolerated my frustrated banging as I learned a new way to play you. When I was happy, you bounced along with me in the major keys.  When life was hard, you mourned with me in the minors.  You gave my husband projects.  When your sustain pedal quit working, he took you apart and fixed it.  When your G# key broke off, he glued it back in place. I've played many pianos, but none of them feel like or sound like you.  In your glory days, your sound was fantastic. When I play other pianos, my fingers feel like they're visiting distant relatives, but when I touch your keys, my fingers are home. When your sound started to go, I brought in an expert to fix you, but he said he couldn't tune you because your soundboard was cracked. When you became hopelessly out of tune, I got a second opinion that agreed with the first. The prognosis was that you were incurable, and one day your soundboard would break and you would die. You are worth nothing to anyone but me. I can't even give you away.  But to me, you are priceless. Goodbye, dear old friend.  Thank you for everything.  I will miss you.

The last song I played on her while she was intact was "The Seal Lullaby". I thought that would be the last thing I ever played on her, but after I told Mike, "I'm six screws away from never playing her again" I discovered that I could still play her!  So I played a song I wrote called "Psalm 23".  Then I discovered that even after I had removed all the white keys, I could still play "Amazing Grace" using just the black keys, so that was actually the last song I'll ever play on her.  

I'm keeping these pieces.  I don't usually get sentimentally attached to material objects, but this one was hard to let go.  I'm hoping to think of something crafty to do with them. It's the F key (my favorite key), the A flat key (the last note I played on her), the music stand, and the decorative piece off the front.  

What a sad burn pile.

Notes from her yearly tuning, I assume, from 1959 to 1963.  My grandma took good care of her.  

I found a quarter deep in her bowels. 
After I cleaned off layers of dust and grime, I saw that it was from 1939.