Vanity

Yesterday morning I was home alone, sitting at the computer, working.  It was a beautiful day, so I had all the doors and windows open.  I heard leaves crunch right outside the door, which made my heart start pounding.  Then I heard the door open, which was terrifying, because Noah wasn't due home for at least another hour.  I've always wondered how I would react in this situation, knowing that I was about to die.  Well, now I know.  I whipped off the ugly glasses I wear when I'm working, because I thought, "When someone finds my body, I don't want to be wearing these glasses." Then I stood up and faced my killer, who turned out to be Noah.  His class got out early, which had never happened before.  My heart rate didn't return to normal for a good 20 minutes after that.  When it did, I put my glasses back on and finished the job I was doing.

The unglamorous life of a Color Guard mom

Behind every gorgeous girl in the Color Guard is a mom who has spent the whole day (and her entire paycheck) running around buying the required makeup, bobby pins, undergarments (which must be smooth and flesh-colored), clear deodorant (the lovely princesses do sweat, and they can't be leaving yellow stains on the pits of their beautiful costumes), etc.  Last night Sarah informed me that I would be required to purchase all these items for tonight's dress rehearsal and drop them off at the school before said rehearsal.  She announced that I would NOT have to buy the special underwear, because she already has it, BUT it was in the hamper so I would be required to wash it before I go shopping for the rest of the stuff, so it can all be delivered in a timely fashion.

My first stop was Ulta, which is a hellish place that I haven't been in since last year at this time, when I had to purchase the required makeup for last year's show.  I have never worn makeup and have no idea what all of it is or why it's so expensive.  There's a dizzying array of brightly-lit options, none of which I understand.  Last year Sarah wrote down the exact things she had to have, including brand names, product names, and color shades.  I still messed it up, as I recall, so this year, she sent me a video, detailing the exact specifications and showing me the product.  That was helpful, because I went directly to the counter and showed the video to the sales person, who went right to the spot where the thing was, and assured me it was the right thing.  I followed her back to the counter to spend my whole week's wages paying for it, and this is what happened.

Clerk: Phone number?
Me: (gave her my real number, while thinking, "Why am I not giving her the fake number I use just  for occasions like this?"
Clerk: Hmm, that's not coming up. Could it be under a different number?
Me: Oh yes, it's probably under the fake number I use for occasions like this. (I proceeded to give her the fake number, and she typed it in and frowned.)
Clerk: I'm still not finding  you. Have you been here before?
Me: Yes, once. A year ago.
Clerk: Is it possible that you didn't sign up for our loyalty program at that time?
Me: It's more than possible. I definitely wouldn't have.
Clerk: Well, let's get you signed up now then! It will only take a few seconds...
Me: Oh no, no, no.  Let's not.  I'm definitely not loyal to makeup.
(Really, look at my face. Do I look like I would be interested in a loyalty program at a place like Ulta?? NO.)

So she gave me my treasures, and I was off to the next store to purchase the bra, whose specs Sarah had given me last night (but unfortunately, she didn't send me a video).  I spent an absurd amount of time trying to locate the proper color, size, and style, spent a small fortune on it, proceeded to purchase the rest of the items, put them all in a bag with the underwear I had washed early this
morning, and arrived at the school right on time.  I proudly handed the bag to her, and she reached in and pulled out the makeup first.

S: This is wrong.
M: No, it's not! The sales person said it was right, and it was the only one they had.
S: No, it's the wrong color.
M: It can't be. It looks exactly like what you sent in the video.
S: No. It should be oranger.
M: Well, it's close enough. No one will ever notice.
S: No, it has to be the exact right color. Did you go to the Ulta out by the mall?
M: No, I went to the one in East Peoria.
S: Well, you'll have to go to the one by the mall.

Then she pulls out the bra, and all hell breaks loose.

S: This is wrong.
M: What?! It's exactly what you told me to get!
S: No, it's not.  You weren't listening when I told you what to get.
M: Yes I was!
S: You weren't.

And there you go. That could have gone on forever, but I took the high road and peeled out of there before she could criticize the rest of the stuff.