Becoming

 Sept. 19, 2022 I've always loved music and admired people who can do it well, never counting myself among them.  About a year ago, while asking the Lord what He thinks about me during an assignment in my Agape School of Supernatural Ministry, I was surprised to hear Him say, "You are a worshiper" and knew that He meant musically.  Since my friend Doug taught me how to play chords on the piano about a year and a half ago, I had been finding much joy and fulfillment in my personal worship time. I would often go to the church in the middle of the night and fill it with worship, but never in front of people, because I was still living in the shame and embarrassment of believing the lie that I couldn't do it.  It's true that I can't do it as well as the great ones, but I CAN do it.  

God has been slowly growing me by baby steps.  I took a few singing lessons from my friend Andrea, who helped me, but I quit because I didn't believe I had enough natural gifting to make any more progress.  My first bold step (inspired by an SSM assignment) was to post a video of one of my private late-night worship sessions on Facebook.  The positive comments from that gave me just enough confidence to invite a couple friends over to my house to sing with me.  Karen has a strong voice that I can easily hide mine under, and Harriet sings sweet harmony and brought her guitar.  It was so fun and made me hungry for more.  

The next step was not something I planned, but I'm sure God did.  I was at church on the evening of Father's Day, because our regular Sunday night gathering was canceled, so I knew nobody would be there. I was working on a new song that God had given me. I saw someone pull into the parking lot, so I went out to meet her.  It was someone I had never met, and she was disappointed that there was no meeting because she wanted prayer.  So I let her in and listened to her and prayed for her and gave her a prophetic word.  God told me to play and sing for her the song He'd just given me.  The whole thing gave me an idea.  Our church doesn't have a Saturday night service on the fifth Saturday of the month, but a handful of people usually forget and show up and are disappointed to discover the doors locked.  There was a fifth Saturday coming up, so I decided I would have my personal worship time at the time of our usual service, and if anyone showed up, they could join me.  There ended up being six of us that first night, and we could feel God's spirit there with us.  One of the guys even said he saw an angel sitting on top of the piano listening to our songs.  

The next step was doing worship for my friend Paula's Wednesday night women's group.  It's only about nine women, and my friend Marcy leads the singing, so I can hide behind her as I fumble along.   One night I felt like it went so badly that they would be better off going back to YouTube worship, so I asked Paula to feel out the members of her group and determine if they would rather do that. She said that they love having live worship and really wanted me to keep doing it.  

The next step was a big one, and I was so terrified about it that I couldn't eat or sleep for several days before it.  Last week at SSM, the teacher said something that I wrote down in my notes: "I will not say no.  I want to grow."  Five minutes later during break, the usual worship leader told me she was going on vacation and asked if I would lead worship next week. Everything inside me screamed NOOOOOOOOOOO but my mouth opened and said yes.  I asked Doug to help me figure out the logistics of what I would need for sound equipment, because this was a group of 20 people in a big room that would require microphones and speakers, and there was no piano, so I would have to borrow a keyboard.  On the way home, I was having a panicked conversation with God (which involved my threatening Him with something like, "You better help me!") and He clearly told me to ask Karen to sing with me.  She excitedly said yes, because people with powerful, beautiful voices actually like being asked to sing.  We practiced several times last week, and last night we did it.  

We got there an hour early to get everything set up and tested and run through our six songs.  I felt strangely calm and confident, and I realized that the microphone gave me boldness.  Usually people don't hear me when I speak, but when I spoke in the microphone, people listened!  I could feel the anointing all through, but I was finally getting in the groove by the fifth song.  The last song had three verses, and on the third verse, I finally found the harmony. I was starting to have fun when the song was ending, so I said "Let's do the first verse again" and everybody sang the first verse again! Then everyone clapped and hooted and hollered because most of them knew how far out of my comfort zone I was.  One lady in my group said to me afterwards, "I want to thank you for your worship today. You had such a sweet anointing. You brought me in to the presence of the Lord and it is not gone yet. We discussed so much and He healed so much, and I thank you for your time and your service to the Lord for doing this." I'm hooked now.  That's all I want--to usher people into the glorious presence of the Lord. 

11/16/22 update: Tonight I led worship without another human for the first time.  Marcy wasn't feeling well, so it was just the Holy Spirit and I.  It went ok, but it's better with Marcy.  

12/11/22 update: Tonight I led worship without another human for the first time in front of my whole class at Agape SSM.  I had a quick out-of-body experience during which I looked at myself and thought, "Who is this person playing the piano alone in front of people and singing a song she wrote?"  I am not the same person I was a couple years ago, or even a year ago. I'm still mousy and not as free and confident as I want to be, but I'm getting braver.

Learning the lesson

Apparently, God is going to keep throwing stressful worship lessons at me until I learn to be spontaneous and give Him complete control.  Monday night (yes, the very next night after my SSM experience), there was a women's ministry event at church.  I was sitting at a table with Marcy, looking forward to a nice relaxing evening.  The leader announced that we were going to have worship time before we ate.  I glanced around, wondering who's leading worship. Then she said, "Marcy and Janel are going to lead us."  What?! We are? How?  Marcy and I started throwing together a plan as we walked to the keyboard.  We did a song, and the anointing fell like a heavy blanket.  I'm pretty sure it was the best worship experience I've ever had.  Then we did another song that we both know, and then it was time to eat.  

Now it's Wednesday.  Tonight we're leading worship.  Marcy and I planned a couple songs (the anointed one from Monday night and one we've never done before).  I asked the Lord this morning what other song He wants us to do.  I don't always hear Him, even when I make the time and effort to listen, but this time I heard two words for sure: love undeniable.  What is that? A song?  I googled "love undeniable lyrics" and song lyrics for a song called "Undeniable Love" came up in the results.  Is this even a Christian song? I don't know.  I read the lyrics, and they were good.  Then I listened to the song.  I had never heard it, but I liked it.  The artist was not anyone I recognized.  I tried to find a chord chart for it online but couldn't.  Is this an obstacle I'm supposed to overcome?  

I sat down at the piano and the chords came to me.  I just started playing them. Then I wrote a chord chart. I have never written a chord chart before and don't know how to do it.  The words I wrote down on Sunday came into my head: "What He's given you, He'll do through you, after He's killed your ability to do it." This is not me doing it.  He's doing it through me.  So we're unpracticed and unprepared, and I can't wait to see what He's going to do tonight.

Growing my spontaneity

Sunday morning while I was in church, the SSM worship leader (Harriet) sent me a text asking me if I wanted to sing with her that night at class.  My immediate reaction was, "No way. I can't do it.  I'm not prepared. We haven't practiced. No." I was running the livestream at church and didn't have time to respond to the text immediately, so I had time to think about it (which really boiled down to stressing and worrying about it).  Had I learned nothing from Wednesday night's experience? I glanced at my wrist and saw my bracelet tapping away its "you're strong" message.  I grumbled, "I don't feel strong."  After a few hours of stewing, I texted her back and said I would love to, but I just can't because I need more prep time.  

We take turns leading the group at SSM, and that night it was my turn. I had listened to the video and taken notes on Monday, but I wanted to listen again so it was fresh in my mind before I had to lead this thing.  Within the first minute of the video, the speaker said, "What He's given you, He'll do through you, after He's killed your ability to do it."  That hit me like a wall.  I went back and listened to it again.  Had he said that the first time I listened to this video on Monday?  I only vaguely remembered it. This time I wrote it down and stared at it.  Then, finally, for the first time all day, I sought the Lord. I asked Him if He wanted me to lead worship with Harriet that night.  I thought I detected a yes, but I wasn't sure, so I decided to do a test.  

I told Him, "Ok, I'll try to play the songs Harriet texted me. If I can't do it, I'm not doing it."  The songs came easily.  I decided to do another test.  I had never packed the keyboard and sound equipment I would need.  Doug had always done it.  When I return it, I clean it and put it away where it goes, but I never knew where the microphones were supposed to go.  Doug told me where they go, but I still couldn't find them, even though I had looked several times.  So for my next test, I told the Lord, "If you want me to do this, you're going to have to help me pack all the equipment and load it in my little car (because our van was at the mechanic) and show me where the microphones are.  You have killed my ability to do it, so You're going to have to do it." 

Poor Mike had been listening to me stomp around and argue with the Lord and myself all afternoon.  He offered to help me load the stuff.  I told him if I can't find the microphones, there won't be any need to load anything, so he said to text him if I found them. I argued with the Lord all the way to the church.  When I walked in, I went straight to a bag that was on top of everything else, unzipped it, and saw the microphones staring up at me.  No turning back now.  I'm definitely doing this.  I texted Mike, and while we was driving over to help load, I found everything I needed easily and got it all packed.  He loaded it, and I texted Harriet to disregard my previous text, because the Lord had other plans. 

By the time we got to class, we had very little time to set up the equipment and practice. We discovered that Harriet's music was in a different key than mine, so we spent all our practice time scratching down chords on paper.  Worship time arrived, and I was unprepared but felt strangely unstressed. I said, "Jesus, take the wheel.  Take the whole car.  This is Your idea, and You know I can't do it, so do it through me." And He did.  

Breaking through?

I was concerned for days before Wednesday night worship time because the worship leader (Marcy) hadn't given me any songs and hadn't practiced with me.  She likes to just go with the flow and see what happens, but I need time to prepare and practice.  She told me I'm going to have to be spontaneous if I'm going to be a worship leader.  I'm spontaneous in lots of areas of my life, but not in this one where I lack confidence and experience.  I want to glorify God and bring people into His presence to the best of my ability, and if I can't do it well, then I'd rather not do it at all.  

Wednesday night arrived, and I still had no idea what songs we were doing.  Marcy told me she would come at 6:15 and practice with me, but it was 6:45 by the time she got there, and I had worked myself into a froth.  I was frustrated, stressed, and  in no mood to worship.  When Marcy walked in, I had a little  temper tantrum.  She was perfectly calm and told me she had a gift for me.  She gave me this beautiful, meaningful, thoughtful bracelet.  

It says "you're strong" in Morse code.  She put it on me, and my whole attitude shifted.  I was full of love for her and for God and felt worship rising up in my heart, even though I was still a little worried because we hadn't practiced and had no plan.  But as I sat down at the piano and felt that bracelet tapping on the keys, I could hear it in my mind tapping out the message "you're strong" and I felt strong, and we did it.