Surviving attacks

I did the closed captioning for a video about self-defense, and I wanted to try out what I learned, so said to Noah, "Choke me."  He was reluctant. I told him I needed to see if this move worked. He said, "How do you want me to choke you? Gently? Hard? From the front? From the back?"  I told him to choke me hard from the front.  So he did.  Wow, that was an eye opener.  I was completely powerless, because I didn't have time to get into my stance and prepare for my big move, so I just crumpled in a breathless heap and whimpered.  My attacker felt bad.  I told him to choke me more slowly and gently and give me time to get ready.  He did.  I executed my move perfectly and felt tough.  Ten minutes later, he felt bad because my neck was still red.  I told him not to feel bad because I learned some important things.

Then he told me I should just carry a gun and learn to shoot.  I told him that will certainly not happen. I would end up doing something stupid by accident, like maiming myself or killing an innocent bystander.  He said, "A gun would come in handy, even if a bear or a rabid dog was coming at you."  I decided to practice my defense techniques in a bear attack situation.  Shadow was walking by, so I said, "Pretend Shadow is a bear."  I curled up on the floor and pretended to be dead. Shadow came over and flopped down next to me and purred.  I said, "See?  I don't need a gun."

Choir concert

 Sarah drove to her choir concert. She did a good job.

 She was especially proud of her perfect parking job on the first try.

 She looked mopey so I told her to smile...

 ...and this is what I got.

 It was standing room only at the concert, so Noah sat by the wall.

post-concert

Afternoon hike with Mike

I like hiking in the afternoon, even though the deer aren't out.  Where do they go all day?  We did see some turkeys, and Mike found a turkey feather.

Early morning hike with Mom

Last week, Mom and I were planning to meet at 8 a.m. to hike.  She likes to go that early.  It's not my favorite time, but I do like that the deer are out at that hour.  So I arrived 30 minutes early to take pictures of deer.  They did not disappoint.  I saw a herd of nine of them. The pictures aren't great, because the sun wasn't all the way up yet, and it was still pretty dark in the woods.

 It was so cold when we started hiking that we could see our breath.  However, you can't see it in the picture, so we just look weird.

 Found a beautiful dead butterfly.

 This is the view that was behind us in the next picture, but I'm not a great photographer, so it's all washed out and overexposed, but we saw it in real life. Reminded me of when Grandma Opal took me to Grandview Drive when I was six, and I thought it was so beautiful.

 When we got to the top of Pimeteoui Trail, we hiked along Grandview Drive and looked at the mansions.

 Back on the trail, we saw this tree  that must have grown around this big rock.

 

No hiking today, just being still.

Today was my annual "sit under a tree and watch squirrels" afternoon.  It wasn't long enough, because I had to pick up Sarah from school, but still so enjoyable.

 This was my favorite tree.  It had beautiful feathery leaves, interesting-looking green balls, and bark that looked like it had been scratched by bears' claws.  The whole thing smelled like pine, which made me think of Colorado, so I hovered under it a long time.

There were no squirrels around it though, so I moved my little camp to a clump of oak trees where the squirrels were scurrying and burying.  I set out some nuts for them on my blanket, but nobody was brave enough to come to my blanket, so I tossed some nuts to them.  I didn't actually read that book while I was there (although it is a great book, and I highly recommend it), nor did I really intend to.  I just keep a book nearby so I can pretend to read and look normal if people come around.  People tend to call the cops if they see someone lying under a tree, tossing nuts to squirrels, and watching leaves fall, which is really what I like to do.  But sitting under a tree and reading a book is socially acceptable behavior.

I was hungry, and those nuts started looking good to me, so I ate a few.  The squirrels still had plenty. 

 I made a nice pillow out of pine needles. 

This cute little squirrel looks like he's modestly covering his nipples. I love squirrels.  I could watch them all day, busy at their tasks. 

Hiking season is back!

I love October.  I must hike every day.  I do all my usual trails, but this year, my friend Leslie said she discovered a new trail behind her sister's house.  She invited me and our friend Denise to hike it yesterday.  The most challenging part was getting from her sister's backyard down to the path.  It was a very steep, slightly muddy slope.  Thankfully someone had put a rope there.

Once we got to the bottom, we had to plow through some thick underbrush and cross a creek before we reached the path.  The path ended up on private property, and the saucy wench who lived there told us to get off her property, so we ended up on the street in East Peoria.  The only way back was to walk along the busy street until we got to the bike path.  It was a fun, new adventure!

Today my parents and I hiked at Forest Park.  We talked about Pimeteoui Trail, but decided to do Wake Robin Trail instead, since none of us had ever done that one before. But when we got there, we were met with this sign:

So we decided to just start with Deer Run Trail and see what happened.  Before we even got on the trail, we saw six deer and several wild turkeys.

Dad decided to do the Bee Trail while Mom and I did Deer Run.  When we got to Wake Robin, it was roped off and marked closed, but we ducked under the rope to see how far we could get.  There were some trees down over the trail, but nothing bad enough to stop us.  We went until the trail was so washed out that we couldn't even tell where it was supposed to be, decided we didn't want to get hopelessly lost in the woods, turned around, and went back to Deer Run.  When we got to the other end of Wake Robin, we crossed the ropes and decided to see how far we could get tackling it from this side.  We ended up making it all the way through.  Lots of ups and downs, turkeys, deer, squirrels, chipmunks. It was a good hike.

Vanity

Yesterday morning I was home alone, sitting at the computer, working.  It was a beautiful day, so I had all the doors and windows open.  I heard leaves crunch right outside the door, which made my heart start pounding.  Then I heard the door open, which was terrifying, because Noah wasn't due home for at least another hour.  I've always wondered how I would react in this situation, knowing that I was about to die.  Well, now I know.  I whipped off the ugly glasses I wear when I'm working, because I thought, "When someone finds my body, I don't want to be wearing these glasses." Then I stood up and faced my killer, who turned out to be Noah.  His class got out early, which had never happened before.  My heart rate didn't return to normal for a good 20 minutes after that.  When it did, I put my glasses back on and finished the job I was doing.

The unglamorous life of a Color Guard mom

Behind every gorgeous girl in the Color Guard is a mom who has spent the whole day (and her entire paycheck) running around buying the required makeup, bobby pins, undergarments (which must be smooth and flesh-colored), clear deodorant (the lovely princesses do sweat, and they can't be leaving yellow stains on the pits of their beautiful costumes), etc.  Last night Sarah informed me that I would be required to purchase all these items for tonight's dress rehearsal and drop them off at the school before said rehearsal.  She announced that I would NOT have to buy the special underwear, because she already has it, BUT it was in the hamper so I would be required to wash it before I go shopping for the rest of the stuff, so it can all be delivered in a timely fashion.

My first stop was Ulta, which is a hellish place that I haven't been in since last year at this time, when I had to purchase the required makeup for last year's show.  I have never worn makeup and have no idea what all of it is or why it's so expensive.  There's a dizzying array of brightly-lit options, none of which I understand.  Last year Sarah wrote down the exact things she had to have, including brand names, product names, and color shades.  I still messed it up, as I recall, so this year, she sent me a video, detailing the exact specifications and showing me the product.  That was helpful, because I went directly to the counter and showed the video to the sales person, who went right to the spot where the thing was, and assured me it was the right thing.  I followed her back to the counter to spend my whole week's wages paying for it, and this is what happened.

Clerk: Phone number?
Me: (gave her my real number, while thinking, "Why am I not giving her the fake number I use just  for occasions like this?"
Clerk: Hmm, that's not coming up. Could it be under a different number?
Me: Oh yes, it's probably under the fake number I use for occasions like this. (I proceeded to give her the fake number, and she typed it in and frowned.)
Clerk: I'm still not finding  you. Have you been here before?
Me: Yes, once. A year ago.
Clerk: Is it possible that you didn't sign up for our loyalty program at that time?
Me: It's more than possible. I definitely wouldn't have.
Clerk: Well, let's get you signed up now then! It will only take a few seconds...
Me: Oh no, no, no.  Let's not.  I'm definitely not loyal to makeup.
(Really, look at my face. Do I look like I would be interested in a loyalty program at a place like Ulta?? NO.)

So she gave me my treasures, and I was off to the next store to purchase the bra, whose specs Sarah had given me last night (but unfortunately, she didn't send me a video).  I spent an absurd amount of time trying to locate the proper color, size, and style, spent a small fortune on it, proceeded to purchase the rest of the items, put them all in a bag with the underwear I had washed early this
morning, and arrived at the school right on time.  I proudly handed the bag to her, and she reached in and pulled out the makeup first.

S: This is wrong.
M: No, it's not! The sales person said it was right, and it was the only one they had.
S: No, it's the wrong color.
M: It can't be. It looks exactly like what you sent in the video.
S: No. It should be oranger.
M: Well, it's close enough. No one will ever notice.
S: No, it has to be the exact right color. Did you go to the Ulta out by the mall?
M: No, I went to the one in East Peoria.
S: Well, you'll have to go to the one by the mall.

Then she pulls out the bra, and all hell breaks loose.

S: This is wrong.
M: What?! It's exactly what you told me to get!
S: No, it's not.  You weren't listening when I told you what to get.
M: Yes I was!
S: You weren't.

And there you go. That could have gone on forever, but I took the high road and peeled out of there before she could criticize the rest of the stuff.

Embarrassing moment

Yesterday I was in the middle of a transcription job when the phone rang. Caller ID said "wireless caller" and a number I didn't recognize.  It looked like something scammy, so I answered in Korean.  The caller seemed to be thrown off by that, and she stammered and fumbled.  I can't speak Korean very well or very fast, so I just made up some high-pitched Asian sounding words and spewed them out in a jumble.  The caller was pretty quick to end the call.  Mission accomplished.

A few minutes later, I got a message on Facebook.  It was from the vet tech who was supposed to be coming to give my babies their rabies shot. This is how it went:

Hi Janel I tried calling you but I think we have the wrong number. I wanted to see if you’d like to move your appointment to tomorrow morning. We just had an unexpected kitten visit and of course it has an upper respiratory virus. I would not like to spread it to your kitties!!

Janel

No virus for us, thanks. Tomorrow is great. What time?

By the way, did a crazy Asian person answer when you called?

Yes yes they did lol

I panicked

Janel

HAHA! No way! I'm so sorry. I thought it was a telemarker, so I put on my "I don't speak no English" act.

YOU ARE A MENACE

I WAS PANICKING

Janel

Ok, now I'm a little embarrassed. Sorry.

Dr. Campbell is dying right now

Janel

Did she hear it?

No but I just told her. I wish you could have seen my face after.

Janel

I'm changing the contact in my phone so it now says "vet" instead of "wireless caller" so you will not hear from crazy Asian lady again.

I’m seriously cracking up. How about 9:30-10:30?

Janel

Sounds perfect. Thanks.

I promise I will attempt to be normal.

We need things like this to happen in a day because sometimes we seriously need a laugh.

Janel

Happy to amuse you. Come in through the garage like you live here. Don't know, or the cats will scatter.

*knock, not know

Okay no problem. Also, we don’t like normal. Normal is boring.