Growing my spontaneity

Sunday morning while I was in church, the SSM worship leader (Harriet) sent me a text asking me if I wanted to sing with her that night at class.  My immediate reaction was, "No way. I can't do it.  I'm not prepared. We haven't practiced. No." I was running the livestream at church and didn't have time to respond to the text immediately, so I had time to think about it (which really boiled down to stressing and worrying about it).  Had I learned nothing from Wednesday night's experience? I glanced at my wrist and saw my bracelet tapping away its "you're strong" message.  I grumbled, "I don't feel strong."  After a few hours of stewing, I texted her back and said I would love to, but I just can't because I need more prep time.  

We take turns leading the group at SSM, and that night it was my turn. I had listened to the video and taken notes on Monday, but I wanted to listen again so it was fresh in my mind before I had to lead this thing.  Within the first minute of the video, the speaker said, "What He's given you, He'll do through you, after He's killed your ability to do it."  That hit me like a wall.  I went back and listened to it again.  Had he said that the first time I listened to this video on Monday?  I only vaguely remembered it. This time I wrote it down and stared at it.  Then, finally, for the first time all day, I sought the Lord. I asked Him if He wanted me to lead worship with Harriet that night.  I thought I detected a yes, but I wasn't sure, so I decided to do a test.  

I told Him, "Ok, I'll try to play the songs Harriet texted me. If I can't do it, I'm not doing it."  The songs came easily.  I decided to do another test.  I had never packed the keyboard and sound equipment I would need.  Doug had always done it.  When I return it, I clean it and put it away where it goes, but I never knew where the microphones were supposed to go.  Doug told me where they go, but I still couldn't find them, even though I had looked several times.  So for my next test, I told the Lord, "If you want me to do this, you're going to have to help me pack all the equipment and load it in my little car (because our van was at the mechanic) and show me where the microphones are.  You have killed my ability to do it, so You're going to have to do it." 

Poor Mike had been listening to me stomp around and argue with the Lord and myself all afternoon.  He offered to help me load the stuff.  I told him if I can't find the microphones, there won't be any need to load anything, so he said to text him if I found them. I argued with the Lord all the way to the church.  When I walked in, I went straight to a bag that was on top of everything else, unzipped it, and saw the microphones staring up at me.  No turning back now.  I'm definitely doing this.  I texted Mike, and while we was driving over to help load, I found everything I needed easily and got it all packed.  He loaded it, and I texted Harriet to disregard my previous text, because the Lord had other plans. 

By the time we got to class, we had very little time to set up the equipment and practice. We discovered that Harriet's music was in a different key than mine, so we spent all our practice time scratching down chords on paper.  Worship time arrived, and I was unprepared but felt strangely unstressed. I said, "Jesus, take the wheel.  Take the whole car.  This is Your idea, and You know I can't do it, so do it through me." And He did.