Warfare

I've been obsessed with spiritual warfare for the last couple weeks.  I've been thinking about the invisible battlefields of my mind and of the spiritual realm that exists all around us. And I've been meditating on each piece of armor that God has provided for us to have victory.  I'm finally moving past that section in Ephesians, having just studied the last weapon in depth.  As I pondered each piece of armor, I visualized myself (and some specific other people that God brought to mind) wearing it.  I saw myself standing on a mountaintop in the wind, wearing the helmet, breastplate, shoes, etc. and holding up my shield and  pointing my sword.  Then I said to God, "Here I am, all suited up and ready for battle.  What do I do now?"  The answer was clear: pray.  

The very next words in Ephesians after the armor section are four consecutive commands to pray.  "Pray passionately...pray...and pray also...yes, pray..."  Sometimes after we've exhausted all our ideas and done everything we can think to do in our own strength, we throw up our hands and say, "Well, I guess the only  thing left to do is pray" as if that were some weak, last-resort option.  Instead, it is the most powerful, impactful thing we can do.  When I say I'm praying for you, know that I mean I'm putting on all the armor and going to battle against evil forces for you.  

Spirituality for Dummies, chapter 2

Mike and I were talking about current high school/college students vs. being a student "back in our day" (we are getting older by the second!).  We were saying kids these days can get an extension on a deadline if they have a hangnail, and back in our day, you could be on your deathbed but you still had to turn in your work.  If kids fail a test now, they have an opportunity to retake it.  They have chances to earn extra credit too.  When we were in school, if you failed, you failed, and your grades reflected it.  There was no "everybody gets a trophy" mentality.  

Then I had a revelation: maybe there was grace available to me back then, and I just didn't know it!  I never asked for it, never expected it, never thought I deserved it.  I thought I had to do everything exactly according to the rules and in my own strength.  I'm still working on letting go of that mentality.  I don't have to be perfect, and neither do you. We don't have to perform to earn the reward.  Jesus is perfect, and because our identity is wrapped up in Him, God's grace covers us!  

A revelation from Ephesians

Five months ago, I dove deep into the ocean of Ephesians, and God and I have been swimming along in those currents every day.  For the last several days, I've been meditating on fighting spiritual battles.  This morning, the Holy Spirit prompted me to do some research on ancient Roman battle techniques. I'm quite certain that this was not my own idea, because I've always had zero interest in history, especially military tactics.  But there I was, with fingers that hardly even seemed my own, googling Roman warfare, and I discovered something fascinating! 

In ancient warfare, soldiers lit arrows on fire before shooting them, so that even if they bounced off their targets' shields, they would land at their feet and burn them. The Romans covered their shields with thick animal hide, and before going into battle, they would dip their hide-covered shields into water. Then the flaming arrows of the enemy would extinguish upon contact with the water-soaked shields. 

As I was reading this, the Lord spoke to me that before we enter spiritual battle, we should immerse our shields of faith into the living water of Christ, so that the fiery arrows the devil aims at us will be extinguished on impact and will fall to the ground as the smoking, harmless rubbish they are.  Our battlefields are our minds, and the devil has no weapons that are any match for the armor God has provided for us!  Check out the sixth chapter of Ephesians to discover our weapons of warfare.

(This past Sunday, my pastor told me that he had a vision of me sitting at an old desk, writing.  And when he asked God what I was writing, God told him that I was writing a book called "Spirituality for Dummies".  He encouraged me to write that book.  Maybe this blog post is chapter one?)

Another Holy Spirit encounter

I woke up with the song "This is How I Fight My Battles" in my head.  I haven't heard it lately, and it's not even one that I particularly like, but it wouldn't stop playing in a loop as the background soundtrack of my whole morning.  Then Becky sent me a message asking if I’ve heard the song “This is How I Fight My Battles.” I couldn't believe she said that. The power of the Holy Spirit blows me away in moments like that. I will learn to play that song.

As I'm memorizing Ephesians, I usually add a verse every day, but several days ago I felt like I should camp on chapter six, verse 10, so I did. I was a little annoyed that I wasn't making any progress, but the Lord reminded me that there are no deadlines, no pressure, and no rules, except those I'm putting on myself. Because I took a few extra days on verse 10, my verses today lined up with the theme He had going about fighting my battles, and it was extra easy to memorize. His timing is always perfect.

“Put on God’s complete set of armor provided for us, so that you will be protected as you fight against the evil strategies of the accuser! Your hand-to-hand combat is not with human beings, but with the highest principalities and authorities operating in rebellion under the heavenly realms. For they are a powerful class of demon-gods and evil spirits that hold this dark world in bondage. Because of this, you must wear all the armor that God provides so you’re protected as you confront the slanderer, for you are destined for all things and will rise victorious.”

An Almost Perfect Day

Yesterday.  Three things on the schedule.  A Christmas party with old friends, a meeting I didn't want to attend right after the party, and leading worship by myself for a group at church that night.  Just before I left for the party, the meeting I was dreading got cancelled.  Driving to the party, I prayed my usual prayer that God would use me, speak through me, love through me.  Had a great time at the party and reconnected with a friend I haven't talked with in awhile.  

On the way home, I was thankful for a some unexpected free time before worship that night.  I had been practicing, and the Lord had given me a song list, so I wasn't feeling nervous about it, but I had a strange urge to go to the church and practice.  I still hadn't decided whether I was going to or not, but the car just sort of drove itself there, so I went with it.  My feet took me to a door that I don't usually use, and right inside it was the new cleaning lady that I'd met only once a few months ago.  I felt like I should tell her she was doing a good job, so I did that and started heading for the piano, but her face stopped me.  She was crying.  

I went around the table and wrapped her up in a big hug.  She told me some stuff, including the fact that she was thinking about quitting and had been feeling pressured and unappreciated and needing a hug.  I gave her a pep talk, prayed for her, invited her to take a break and come and sing with me.  Worship always makes everyone feel better.  She shyly said that she happened to bring her guitar.  I said, "Go get your guitar and I'll get you a music stand, and we're going to have a worship party." So we did. 

Becky has a beautiful voice, a talent for guitar, and an incredible gift for harmonizing.  I asked her if she could teach me to sing harmony like that.  She said, "You just sing the note above or below the melody, and it's like two dolphins swimming together one on top of the other."  What a beautiful image!  Her dolphin swam so gracefully with mine.  I could feel the anointing.  I invited her to lead worship with me that night, and she said, "Can you come a little early so we can practice again?" Music to my ears.

I came home for a few hours and went back early, and there was Becky, ready to practice. We did the songs that God had suggested to me earlier in the week, and I felt His presence strongly. Then the leader of the group asked  if I would do this song I'd written called "Peace" because she wanted to use it as the theme song for their study.  Ah...a chance to put into practice the spontaneity that God has been working on with me.  I happened to have my book of music next to me, and I opened it, hoping to find the music to this song.  It was right on top, AND there were two copies of it!  I handed one to Becky and said, "It's a simple song. You'll figure it out." She immediately did just that.  What a gift she has!  It was delightful to hear harmony with the song I wrote.  

Hours after I got home, I was still basking in the glow of the whole day, and I looked out my window and saw the biggest snowflakes I'd ever seen, gushing down from the sky in a glorious downpour.  There was no snow in the forecast, and it had just been raining.  As I stood there staring at it, Sarah walked down the hall on her way to bed.  I said, "Sarah, look at this snow!" and she came and stood at the window with me.  Then she said, "Do you want to go outside and admire it?"  My heart filled up with love for her at that moment.  Less than a minute later, we were standing in the middle of the street, late at night, twirling in the snow, catching it on our tongues, marveling at the size of it.  God's blessings showering down on us.  What a wonderful day!

The death of the Great Beast

A thing appeared on my lip several weeks ago.  It was ugly and annoying, but it didn't hurt or itch, so I ignored it and waited for it to go away.  It looked like a giant whitehead, but I knew it couldn't be, because:
A.  It appeared out of nowhere, fully formed, didn't build up like a pimple would.
B.  It didn't hurt.
C.  It didn't pop when I stuck a needle in it and squeezed it.
D.  I've never gotten one on my lip.
E.  It stayed there unchanging for several weeks.
F.  I've been through puberty. I know what zits look like.  This is not my first rodeo.
I assume it's some kind of cyst of something.  I briefly consider cancer before dismissing it.  A few days before I was going to be leading worship by myself, I decided to send a picture of it to my doctor and ask him about removing it, because nobody would be able to enter into worship with that hideous thing bobbing along on my lip.  

Meanwhile, Mike examined it and declared, "That's a whitehead. It needs popped."  He takes what I consider to be an unusual amount of satisfaction in popping whiteheads.  Sarah, freshly home from college, agreed and offered this insight: "You've been feeding it by putting Vaseline on your lips." I presented the above-outlined arguments to them about how it can't possibly be that, but Mike was pretty sure of his diagnosis, so I submitted to his wisdom and treatment plan.  He came at me with the tweezers, and...well, in the interest of not reliving the trauma (which involved fluids of various types and colors, lots of tears, several attempts over several days, other gory details), let's just say he was right.  

I suggested to Sarah that if she gets married she should find a man who will pop her zits, and she confidently replied, "I can pop my own zits." Yes, I used to think the same thing, but that was before I met the Menopause Zit, which is an entirely different creature.

As I was in the recovery room with ice on my lip and a bloody towel next to me, I had the horrifying realization that I had sent a picture of a pimple to my doctor.  I deleted it and hoped he would never see it, but no, it had already been sent.  This morning I got his response, asking me questions about it.  I said, "It's been resolved.  Thanks for responding.  Can you please delete that picture and pretend we never had this conversation?"

Holy Spirit testimonies

God has been so tangible in the last three days, I just have to write these stories down before I forget.  It started at work on Saturday.  I was walking by the Cheerios (which I do every shift) and the Holy Spirit told me to buy them.  I don't know why I would do that, because we're not big Cheerio fans, but I'm learning not to ignore that voice, so I bought the Cheerios.  After work, I noticed that my gas tank was less than a quarter full, so I was considering getting gas, but it was windy and cold, so I decided to wait for a warmer day.  God told me to get gas right then, so I did.  I didn't even bother to question Him, because I'm learning.  Just trust and obey (instead of argue and whine, which was my natural response).  Got home and forgot all about both of those instances.  The next morning, I found out that my dad was in the hospital with covid.  I started thinking about what to bring for a day at the hospital.  I packed my Bible and phone charger and figured that was all I really needed.  On my way out, I saw the Cheerios sitting on the table, and suddenly I knew why I was supposed to buy them.  I filled a Ziploc bag with them, made a PB&J sandwich, packed some fruit, and left with a full tank of gas, realizing why I was supposed to get gas the night before.  

I parked in the deck and as I was walking across the skywalk, I stopped briefly to appreciate the view of the city from there.  As I continued to walk to the hospital, God drew my attention to several beautiful things, like these:

OSF is actually starting to make sense to me now since I work there, but Methodist is still a mystery, so I asked Holy Spirit to guide me to Dad's room.  All I had was a room number and no idea how to get there.  I started walking, and it was almost like an out-of-body experience.  My brain was not engaged, but I knew exactly where I was going.  I walked past the Hamilton elevators and got on the Crescent ones. I knew which way to turn when I got off the elevator.  I walked straight to his room.  I've never been physically led by the Spirit before, but it was amazing!

After I'd been at the hospital for a few hours with Mom, we were hungry, so I whipped out my sad little picnic, and Mom exclaimed about how much she likes Cheerios.  Then I knew why I was supposed to buy them.  I told her about the gas and Cheerios, and she asked me what it's like to hear His voice.  Dad was in critical condition with double covid pneumonia and completely unresponsive all day until Mom left.  When I got back from walking her to the car, he was awake and coughing up lots of phlegm.  I was trying to keep up with it with a suction hose and feeling alone and inadequate.  Right then, Mike texted and asked if I wanted him to come, and I really did.  Dad had only said 3 words to me the whole day ("cold" and "thank you" after I covered him with a blanket), but when Mike walked in, he was chatty and almost like his old self.  

The next morning, I got a great parking spot in the deck, and on a ledge in front of my car were two little containers of red raspberry yogurt.  I put them in my bag and got a couple spoons from the cafe in the hospital.  Mom was happy to see it, because she hadn't eaten breakfast, and she likes that flavor and size.  I hadn't eaten breakfast either, and I love red raspberry too.  After we ate them, I told her that they were a gift to us from the Lord, and she said, "Thank You, Lord."

When we got to Dad's room, he was sitting up in a chair eating breakfast.  He was much better than he was yesterday.  In the afternoon, I decided to go home, but when I walked by the chapel on my way out, I found myself going in there.  It was lovely and peaceful, and there was a really nice clavinova beckoning me to play it. Thinking over all the ways I'd seen God move in the last few days, I couldn't help but worship.  After I did that for about half an hour, I felt like I should go back up to Dad's room.  So I did, although I had no idea why.  I had already told them I was leaving, made sure Mom knew how to get out, and said goodbye.  When I got up to the 8th floor, there was Mom in the hall, lost and waiting for someone to give her directions. As I walked out with her, I knew why I had been sent back up there.  

Becoming

 Sept. 19, 2022 I've always loved music and admired people who can do it well, never counting myself among them.  About a year ago, while asking the Lord what He thinks about me during an assignment in my Agape School of Supernatural Ministry, I was surprised to hear Him say, "You are a worshiper" and knew that He meant musically.  Since my friend Doug taught me how to play chords on the piano about a year and a half ago, I had been finding much joy and fulfillment in my personal worship time. I would often go to the church in the middle of the night and fill it with worship, but never in front of people, because I was still living in the shame and embarrassment of believing the lie that I couldn't do it.  It's true that I can't do it as well as the great ones, but I CAN do it.  

God has been slowly growing me by baby steps.  I took a few singing lessons from my friend Andrea, who helped me, but I quit because I didn't believe I had enough natural gifting to make any more progress.  My first bold step (inspired by an SSM assignment) was to post a video of one of my private late-night worship sessions on Facebook.  The positive comments from that gave me just enough confidence to invite a couple friends over to my house to sing with me.  Karen has a strong voice that I can easily hide mine under, and Harriet sings sweet harmony and brought her guitar.  It was so fun and made me hungry for more.  

The next step was not something I planned, but I'm sure God did.  I was at church on the evening of Father's Day, because our regular Sunday night gathering was canceled, so I knew nobody would be there. I was working on a new song that God had given me. I saw someone pull into the parking lot, so I went out to meet her.  It was someone I had never met, and she was disappointed that there was no meeting because she wanted prayer.  So I let her in and listened to her and prayed for her and gave her a prophetic word.  God told me to play and sing for her the song He'd just given me.  The whole thing gave me an idea.  Our church doesn't have a Saturday night service on the fifth Saturday of the month, but a handful of people usually forget and show up and are disappointed to discover the doors locked.  There was a fifth Saturday coming up, so I decided I would have my personal worship time at the time of our usual service, and if anyone showed up, they could join me.  There ended up being six of us that first night, and we could feel God's spirit there with us.  One of the guys even said he saw an angel sitting on top of the piano listening to our songs.  

The next step was doing worship for my friend Paula's Wednesday night women's group.  It's only about nine women, and my friend Marcy leads the singing, so I can hide behind her as I fumble along.   One night I felt like it went so badly that they would be better off going back to YouTube worship, so I asked Paula to feel out the members of her group and determine if they would rather do that. She said that they love having live worship and really wanted me to keep doing it.  

The next step was a big one, and I was so terrified about it that I couldn't eat or sleep for several days before it.  Last week at SSM, the teacher said something that I wrote down in my notes: "I will not say no.  I want to grow."  Five minutes later during break, the usual worship leader told me she was going on vacation and asked if I would lead worship next week. Everything inside me screamed NOOOOOOOOOOO but my mouth opened and said yes.  I asked Doug to help me figure out the logistics of what I would need for sound equipment, because this was a group of 20 people in a big room that would require microphones and speakers, and there was no piano, so I would have to borrow a keyboard.  On the way home, I was having a panicked conversation with God (which involved my threatening Him with something like, "You better help me!") and He clearly told me to ask Karen to sing with me.  She excitedly said yes, because people with powerful, beautiful voices actually like being asked to sing.  We practiced several times last week, and last night we did it.  

We got there an hour early to get everything set up and tested and run through our six songs.  I felt strangely calm and confident, and I realized that the microphone gave me boldness.  Usually people don't hear me when I speak, but when I spoke in the microphone, people listened!  I could feel the anointing all through, but I was finally getting in the groove by the fifth song.  The last song had three verses, and on the third verse, I finally found the harmony. I was starting to have fun when the song was ending, so I said "Let's do the first verse again" and everybody sang the first verse again! Then everyone clapped and hooted and hollered because most of them knew how far out of my comfort zone I was.  One lady in my group said to me afterwards, "I want to thank you for your worship today. You had such a sweet anointing. You brought me in to the presence of the Lord and it is not gone yet. We discussed so much and He healed so much, and I thank you for your time and your service to the Lord for doing this." I'm hooked now.  That's all I want--to usher people into the glorious presence of the Lord. 

11/16/22 update: Tonight I led worship without another human for the first time.  Marcy wasn't feeling well, so it was just the Holy Spirit and I.  It went ok, but it's better with Marcy.  

12/11/22 update: Tonight I led worship without another human for the first time in front of my whole class at Agape SSM.  I had a quick out-of-body experience during which I looked at myself and thought, "Who is this person playing the piano alone in front of people and singing a song she wrote?"  I am not the same person I was a couple years ago, or even a year ago. I'm still mousy and not as free and confident as I want to be, but I'm getting braver.

Learning the lesson

Apparently, God is going to keep throwing stressful worship lessons at me until I learn to be spontaneous and give Him complete control.  Monday night (yes, the very next night after my SSM experience), there was a women's ministry event at church.  I was sitting at a table with Marcy, looking forward to a nice relaxing evening.  The leader announced that we were going to have worship time before we ate.  I glanced around, wondering who's leading worship. Then she said, "Marcy and Janel are going to lead us."  What?! We are? How?  Marcy and I started throwing together a plan as we walked to the keyboard.  We did a song, and the anointing fell like a heavy blanket.  I'm pretty sure it was the best worship experience I've ever had.  Then we did another song that we both know, and then it was time to eat.  

Now it's Wednesday.  Tonight we're leading worship.  Marcy and I planned a couple songs (the anointed one from Monday night and one we've never done before).  I asked the Lord this morning what other song He wants us to do.  I don't always hear Him, even when I make the time and effort to listen, but this time I heard two words for sure: love undeniable.  What is that? A song?  I googled "love undeniable lyrics" and song lyrics for a song called "Undeniable Love" came up in the results.  Is this even a Christian song? I don't know.  I read the lyrics, and they were good.  Then I listened to the song.  I had never heard it, but I liked it.  The artist was not anyone I recognized.  I tried to find a chord chart for it online but couldn't.  Is this an obstacle I'm supposed to overcome?  

I sat down at the piano and the chords came to me.  I just started playing them. Then I wrote a chord chart. I have never written a chord chart before and don't know how to do it.  The words I wrote down on Sunday came into my head: "What He's given you, He'll do through you, after He's killed your ability to do it." This is not me doing it.  He's doing it through me.  So we're unpracticed and unprepared, and I can't wait to see what He's going to do tonight.

Growing my spontaneity

Sunday morning while I was in church, the SSM worship leader (Harriet) sent me a text asking me if I wanted to sing with her that night at class.  My immediate reaction was, "No way. I can't do it.  I'm not prepared. We haven't practiced. No." I was running the livestream at church and didn't have time to respond to the text immediately, so I had time to think about it (which really boiled down to stressing and worrying about it).  Had I learned nothing from Wednesday night's experience? I glanced at my wrist and saw my bracelet tapping away its "you're strong" message.  I grumbled, "I don't feel strong."  After a few hours of stewing, I texted her back and said I would love to, but I just can't because I need more prep time.  

We take turns leading the group at SSM, and that night it was my turn. I had listened to the video and taken notes on Monday, but I wanted to listen again so it was fresh in my mind before I had to lead this thing.  Within the first minute of the video, the speaker said, "What He's given you, He'll do through you, after He's killed your ability to do it."  That hit me like a wall.  I went back and listened to it again.  Had he said that the first time I listened to this video on Monday?  I only vaguely remembered it. This time I wrote it down and stared at it.  Then, finally, for the first time all day, I sought the Lord. I asked Him if He wanted me to lead worship with Harriet that night.  I thought I detected a yes, but I wasn't sure, so I decided to do a test.  

I told Him, "Ok, I'll try to play the songs Harriet texted me. If I can't do it, I'm not doing it."  The songs came easily.  I decided to do another test.  I had never packed the keyboard and sound equipment I would need.  Doug had always done it.  When I return it, I clean it and put it away where it goes, but I never knew where the microphones were supposed to go.  Doug told me where they go, but I still couldn't find them, even though I had looked several times.  So for my next test, I told the Lord, "If you want me to do this, you're going to have to help me pack all the equipment and load it in my little car (because our van was at the mechanic) and show me where the microphones are.  You have killed my ability to do it, so You're going to have to do it." 

Poor Mike had been listening to me stomp around and argue with the Lord and myself all afternoon.  He offered to help me load the stuff.  I told him if I can't find the microphones, there won't be any need to load anything, so he said to text him if I found them. I argued with the Lord all the way to the church.  When I walked in, I went straight to a bag that was on top of everything else, unzipped it, and saw the microphones staring up at me.  No turning back now.  I'm definitely doing this.  I texted Mike, and while we was driving over to help load, I found everything I needed easily and got it all packed.  He loaded it, and I texted Harriet to disregard my previous text, because the Lord had other plans. 

By the time we got to class, we had very little time to set up the equipment and practice. We discovered that Harriet's music was in a different key than mine, so we spent all our practice time scratching down chords on paper.  Worship time arrived, and I was unprepared but felt strangely unstressed. I said, "Jesus, take the wheel.  Take the whole car.  This is Your idea, and You know I can't do it, so do it through me." And He did.  

Breaking through?

I was concerned for days before Wednesday night worship time because the worship leader (Marcy) hadn't given me any songs and hadn't practiced with me.  She likes to just go with the flow and see what happens, but I need time to prepare and practice.  She told me I'm going to have to be spontaneous if I'm going to be a worship leader.  I'm spontaneous in lots of areas of my life, but not in this one where I lack confidence and experience.  I want to glorify God and bring people into His presence to the best of my ability, and if I can't do it well, then I'd rather not do it at all.  

Wednesday night arrived, and I still had no idea what songs we were doing.  Marcy told me she would come at 6:15 and practice with me, but it was 6:45 by the time she got there, and I had worked myself into a froth.  I was frustrated, stressed, and  in no mood to worship.  When Marcy walked in, I had a little  temper tantrum.  She was perfectly calm and told me she had a gift for me.  She gave me this beautiful, meaningful, thoughtful bracelet.  

It says "you're strong" in Morse code.  She put it on me, and my whole attitude shifted.  I was full of love for her and for God and felt worship rising up in my heart, even though I was still a little worried because we hadn't practiced and had no plan.  But as I sat down at the piano and felt that bracelet tapping on the keys, I could hear it in my mind tapping out the message "you're strong" and I felt strong, and we did it.  

Memorizing Ephesians

I'm reading through the New Testament, a chapter a day, and when I got to the first chapter of Ephesians, I was struck by the power of it.  Same thing the next day when I read the second chapter.  By the time I got to chapter 3, the Lord had spoken to me to memorize the entire book of Ephesians.  I wasn't sure that was even possible, but He assured me it was.  Still, I put it off as I finished reading the rest of Ephesians and then read all of Philippians with the Lord's suggestion still bouncing around in my head.  Finally, on July 20, I made a plan for how to do it and jumped in with verse one (in The Passion Translation).  The plan is:
1. Recite the previous day's verse 10 times.
2. Read today's verse 10 times.
3. Recite todays' verse 10 times.
4. Recite everything I've memorized all the way through one time.

According to my calculations, I should have all six chapters memorized on Dec. 22.

The first day, it took me all of two minutes.  By the time I had memorized about three verses, I started to question whether I could cram any more into my brain.  The Lord reminded me that I have the mind of Christ and that He'll help me do it because He called me to it.  Still, after every new verse, I doubted my ability to add any more.  But then the next day, I would add one more, and it gave me confidence that if I could do it today, surely I could do it tomorrow.  And then I would add just one more verse.  

Mike has been helping me with step 4.  He listens patiently as I stumble hesitantly through each new verse, and he corrects me when I make a mistake.  

I have now memorized all 23 verses of chapter one and the first seven verses of chapter two, and I'm feeling somewhat more confident that I'll be able to do the whole thing.  

So far, the fruit I've seen from this experience is:

1.  After repeating these verses over and over every day, I have a better understanding of the meaning of the words in each verse and the overall context of the whole book.  

2. On day 18, someone at Costco said she needed wisdom and I had just memorized verse 18 that day, so I prayed it over her and we had a little discussion about it. 

3. Somewhere near the beginning of chapter two, I woke up with the verses parading along in my head as if they had been playing in my sleep.  That's when I knew it was becoming part of me.

4.  The first three verses of chapter two are pretty dark and depressing, and repeating them 10 times every day was bringing me down.  Verse four begins "But God..." and those two words were especially  impactful after being mired in the pit for the past three days.  Verse four was easy to memorize, and I cried all the way through it.  It remains my favorite verse so far. In fact, verses four and five embody the Gospel in a nutshell.  It's a mic drop moment.  Still, no matter how many times I've repeated them, they make me stop and wonder in awe.  

5.  It gives my mind something to do when I'm stuck in traffic or there's nothing to do at work or I'm waiting in line...any time I have time to kill.  

I look forward to adding to this list, as I still have over 80% of the book to go.  

9/19/22 update: I'm almost 50% there!  I'm up to chapter 3, verse 15 today.  I hit a rough patch about a week ago where I felt like I just couldn't cram anymore into my brain.  I tried every day, but the new verses weren't sticking, and I was losing some of the old ones.  I didn't make progress for a few days but just reviewed and cemented.  Now I'm back to moving forward again, and last night while I was praying for people at my class and giving them prophecies, I discovered a new fruit:

6. When I seek God's heart for someone in prophecy, the words of Ephesians often come to mind, and He expands on them with pictures, and prayer and prophecy flows easier. 

11/16/22 update: I have 5 chapters and 17 verses memorized.  Lately, it's been easier.  When I first started, I was determined to stick with the plan and memorize a verse a day no matter what.  It began to feel like a work.  I've learned to give myself grace.  I'll get there when I get there.  

I've tried it in various environments and learned some things about myself.  I learned that it's unfortunately very difficult for me to recite Ephesians while folding laundry, and it's downright impossible to do it while scrubbing the toilet.  I learned that if I do it in bed, I'm more likely to doze off in the middle.  It takes me my entire shift if I do it at Costco, because people constantly interrupt me, but I do it on almost every shift anyway (in my head, not out loud).  The easiest time I had was (surprisingly!) when I was driving to Lincoln.  It was a boring drive straight south on the interstate with not much traffic. My body had to be still, and my mind was free to concentrate.  

Today I was late for work, all because I was utterly immersed in Ephesians and lost all sense of time and place.  I dove deep into the ocean of this beautiful book and was just blissfully swimming around down there for hours apparently, because when I resurfaced, it was 9:58 and I was supposed to be at work at 10:00.  

I've discovered certain phrases that feel good in my mouth. Not the meaning, just the way they flow.  For example:

    -"I'm writing this letter to all the devoted believers"
    -"Now we have been stamped with the seal of the promised Holy Spirit"
    -"And gifts were given to men"
    -"By every revelation that's been given to you" (I like the letter V.)

And there are also some that are just hard to make my mouth say.  Again, nothing to do with the meaning, just the pronunciation. Examples:

    -"Before we were even born"
    -"Never a reward for good works"
    -"A future inheritance which"

Two more fruits:

7. My mom heard the first three chapters, because she listened to me practice reciting them. 

8. It's fun!  Here are some examples:

    -Sometimes I do accents.  I accidentally recited a verse in TVGV (The Valley Girl Version).  "You have become like corpses ...like dead in your sins..."  When I noticed that I'd added an extra "like" I did a few verses Valley Girl style.  One day I accidentally pronounced "united to Christ" as "Unoited to Chroist" which led me to do a few verses in an Aussie accent.  One time I slipped into TPT (The Pirate Translation) as I stuttered "our...our...our...arr arr arr, matey!"  I accidentally dipped into the Elmer Fudd Version (yep, the EFV) one time as I lisped and stuttered my way through a verse.   

    -Somehow it seems more meaningful if I recite it to some kind of living being. (Maybe this is why the library has that program where beginning readers read to dogs.) If a human isn't available, our cats are my usual targets, but I even tried to preach it to a stink bug when I was outside and that was the only creature in my line of sight.  I felt like it wasn't listening, and I began to question whether it was even alive, and I felt too ridiculous to continue.  Birds in general aren't great listeners.

    -My misspeaks sometimes make me laugh so hard that I have a hard time getting back on track. I said "spiritual apples" when I was trying to say "spiritual apathy" and "impart" became "imfart" but the one that made me laugh the most, for some reason, was when I tried to say chapter 3, verse 17: "Then, by constantly using your faith..." and it came out, "Then, by constantly using your face..."

12/21/22 update: The finish line is in sight. I'm going to make it!  This morning I was reflecting on what a blessing this journey with the Lord has been.  It turned out to be way more than just memorizing words.  It's been an experience.  God and I have had some good laughs, some deep talks, and intimate times as He's walked me through this powerful book of His.  Actually it's been more of a swim than a walk.  I dove in and immersed myself in this deep pool, following the currents, sometimes feeling like I'm drowning, but always floating along in His love and grace.  He knows how much I love being in water, and swimming alongside Him is the best way to experience it.  What a privilege to carry God's spoken Word around inside me: a gift that can never be taken away from me! 

9.  Pictures and revelation.  Several times, He's given me pictures to go with the verse I'm memorizing.  It helps me memorize and also deepens my understanding of the words as they play out like a movie in my mind.  And a few times, He's given me a new revelation of what the verse means, a new facet of understanding of a verse I've read many times.  

10.  He's teaching me about flexibility and grace.  Tomorrow is the day I should have finished this project if I had stuck to the rigid schedule I made for myself five months ago.  But there have been times that I felt like I needed to camp on a verse longer than just one day, so I followed His leading instead of my own plan.  (That's a good life lesson right there: Always follow His leading, not your own plan. That's what Proverbs 3:5-6 says, right?)  He keeps reminding me that there is grace to complete this project whenever it's completed.  It doesn't have to be, and in fact should not be, completed according to my self-imposed timeline.  

12/28/22 update: I finished it around 4:00 a.m. this morning!  I started on a Wednesday and ended on a Wednesday.  It took me 161 days (5 months + 8 days).  I was awake in the early morning hours as usual, and I knew that today was the day I was going to memorize the last verse, and I couldn't wait to get started!  It was the same feeling of anticipation and excitement I had as a kid when I woke up early on Christmas morning. As a kid, I had to wait until a decent hour to wake my parents and start the celebration, but as an adult, I don't have to wait.  I turned on the light around 2:00 a.m. and got the party started.  God was awake too, so it was a party of two.  I reviewed yesterday's verse 10 times, read today's 10 times, and recited it 10 times. Then I recited the entire book (took me 38 minutes).  It wasn't absolutely perfect (the perfectionist in me would like to accomplish that) but there were no major omissions.  It was fun and satisfying.  I'm going to keep reciting it every day for awhile before I tackle the next book, which will be James.

Wert - day 14

Thursday, June 16, 2022

Up at 2:51 a.m.  Showered and repacked the suitcase, trying to make sure it was under 50 pounds this time.  At the last minute, I felt like I should take my hiking boots out.  Left the motel at 3:20 a.m. on very little sleep.  Returned the rental car.  Checked in at the airport. Suitcase weighed 49.6 pounds! The revelation about the hiking boots made the difference.  Made it through security with no blunders.  Arrived at our gate hungry and tired.  With less than half an hour before boarding, for reasons that were never explained, we had to change gates.  Walked to the new gate and boarded the plane.  Then the flight was delayed for some mysterious mechanical reason.  Then there was some maintenance paperwork issue that caused another delay.  The pilot announced that we were leaving, but the plane continued to sit at the gate for another 30 minutes.  Then the pilot said that there was a problem removing the jet bridge so another delay.  We were supposed to have a layover of almost two hours in Dallas, but with all the delays, we were concerned that we wouldn't make the connection.  

I dozed off and slept through the snack/drink service, so no pretzels and water for me.  In a moment of weirdness, the guy in front of me leaned back and out into the aisle at the same time I was leaning forward to get my water bottle and our faces touched.   We both yanked back and returned to our business.  We were careful not to make eye contact the rest of the flight or even in the airport afterwards.  Flying is a strange experience because you sit so close to complete strangers for hours at a time.  

We did make the connection in Dallas (thankfully, the arrival and departure gates weren't too far apart), but Mike's gate-checked bag did not.  It arrived the next day.  It was a great trip, and we learned some things, some of which I'll write about later.  

Wert - day 13

Wednesday, June 15, 2022

Waiting in line for a short ferry ride to Alcatraz Island.  Masks are required.  It's the only place on the trip that has strictly enforced masks.  Good thing we brought some.

My preconceived notion was that Alcatraz would be a barren, dismal rock. I was pleasantly surprised.  There's beauty everywhere; you just have to look for it.  Lovely flowers were growing all over the island, and several kinds of birds were nesting there. Check out this adorable baby seagull. Who knew they were spotted?

Beauty and new life blossoming in a place of desolation.

Gorgeous flowers growing out of a concrete wall on Alcatraz.  The symbolism really spoke to me. 

We took a tour of the main prison building. It was way more interesting (and sad) than I had anticipated. One prisoner talked about how he used his imagination to picture himself in the Swiss Alps.  Another prisoner in isolation would throw a button from his jacket and search for it until he found it in the darkness of his tiny cell and repeat this activity all day long to distract himself from his situation.  I go on imaginary trips and make up mental games for myself to escape the boredom of my job on slow days, and these poor guys were doing similar things to escape their horrible reality.  The human spirit is indomitable. Except when it's not.  I stood in front of a picture of a former prisoner, looked into his eyes, read his story, and cried.  He was sent to Alcatraz for stealing $16.38, slipped into a depression at Alcatraz, received no help for his mental health, and was shot at age 40 while trying to scale a wall. He just needed a little help. Heartbreaking. I had to go back outside and look at the flowers and birds. Alcatraz turned out to be one of my favorite parts of the whole trip.  

Seagull flying over Alcatraz. Freedom and hope.

We were planning to catch the 2:35 ferry off the island and go to our 4:00 paragliding appointment, but the pilot called and said we should come as soon as possible because strong winds were forecast for later.  This was our last chance to do this, and we didn't want to miss it, so we put a rush on it.  While Mike drove, I scurried around in the backseat of the rental car, trying to switch gears on the fly to get ready for what was coming.  I folded down the back of the seat and crawled into the trunk to access the suitcase with the long underwear and gloves.  I changed my clothes in the cramped backseat, licked peanut butter out of a tiny container since we weren't going to have time to eat, and packed a bag.  Stuff was strewn all over, which we would have to deal with later.  

We parked at Mussel Rock and climbed a steep cliff to get to the launch point.  Mike's pilot was Kabib.  He was friendly and talked with Mike during the flight and pointed out whales.  My pilot was Hernan, who barely spoke English.  I thought at one point he may have said "many whale" but I wasn't sure, and I didn't see any whales.  I did see lots of pelicans that I had noticed flying above us when we were still on the ground, and now they were flying below us.  We were way up there high in the sky.  Hernan started doing some crazy maneuvers, dipping and tossing in the wind. My stomach dropped onto the beach and I thought I might hurl.  Hernan said, "You like?" and I smiled apologetically and felt like a wuss as I said, "Not really".  Meanwhile Kabib saw us doing it, so he did it too.  Mike's reaction was the same as mine, which made me feel less wussy.  

When we were on the cliff, about to take off, Hernan strapped himself to me and said, "Run to ocean."  I ran until the ground disappeared and my feet were just kicking in the air, and Hernan laughed and said, "Stop running."  We floated high over the ocean and it was peaceful.  I wanted to lean back against Hernan so I could relax, but I didn't think we had that kind of relationship, so I supported my own body like a big girl.  After about 30 minutes, he said, "Legs up to land" so I shot my legs out. He laughed and said, "Not yet."  A couple minutes later, he said, "Legs up now" and I did and then all the sudden he yelled, "Stand up now!" and I stood up in the air and landed on my feet on the ground. 

Mike's takeoff was not as smooth and his landing was a little harder.  

It was an amazing experience, and I'm glad we did it, but I don't need to do it again.  We were both nauseated for a long time even after we landed.  We checked into the Vagabond Inn and ate a strange mix of leftovers for dinner. Oatmeal, stir fry, banana.  Our only requirements for tonight's hotel were: cheap, close to the airport, and free parking.  It met all those requirements and was actually pretty great!  We had a good view of the planes taking off and landing.  We went to bed and set the alarm for 2:51 a.m.  We didn't sleep much.

Wert - day 12

Tuesday, June 14, 2002

We went to the glass beach on our way out of Fort Bragg.  It's a beautiful beach. 

We met a guy who said he paid $11,000/yr just for fire insurance. A woman nearby said she can't even get fire insurance for any price where she lives (Laguna Beach). How can people afford to live here?  Gas costs about $7/gallon. We got gas at the Sinclair, and they were advertising falafel at the Dino Mart.  It actually looked pretty good, but we didn't get any.

We drove winding, hilly Highway 1 to San Francisco with spectacular views all the way. 

As we approached the Golden Gate Bridge, I started a weird little panic attack thing that lasted until about 15 minutes after we checked into our hotel.  I had a hard time figuring out how to pay the $9 toll online to cross the bridge.  I felt overstimulated as we got into the city.  Everything seemed big and unknown and rather scary.  Mike went to check on a hotel and I was supposed to watch the parking meter and feed it if the authorities came by but I couldn't figure out how to feed it. It didn't take normal money; you had to download an app and pay electronically somehow.  I felt old and incapable.  We got into the hotel and I couldn't even figure out how to turn the lights on in the bathroom because the switch wasn't like anything I'd ever seen before.  I couldn't figure out how to hook up to the wifi.  I just wanted to get out of there and go home.  My blood pressure was high.  Mike saw me looking like a deer in the headlights and talked me down by telling me that I had been in bigger cities than this and done just fine.  He was patient and kind with me.  I put on my big girl pants (literally changed my pants and my shirt too), put my hair up, and started feeling my normal self come back.  

We walked to Pier 39, bought tshirts for the kids at a souvenir stand, and watched sea lions and ate. 

The weather was perfect and we had a good time. Saw lots of interesting looking people.    
 

Wert - day 11

Monday, June 13, 2022

Last night at Bethel was really good.  During worship, songs were coming out of my mouth that I didn't know and had never heard.  They bypassed my brain completely and went right through my spirit.  The melody corresponded with what the worship team was playing, and the words even rhymed. It's so loud in there that you can sing something completely different from what the people around you are singing, and it all blends together like a heavenly chorus.  I've never had music flow through me like that before, and it was powerfully fun!

Then I went to the pool and  played with some super nice kids that were in there too. 

When I went to get out, one of the little girls said, "Thank you so much for playing with us!"  I saw them at breakfast this morning, and they waved and smiled like we were old friends.  

We left Redding and headed south toward The Avenue of the Giants to hike among the redwoods.  

I like to lie down under trees and look up into their branches. 

My view from down there

We continued south on Highway 1, which is an incredibly winding and hilly road.  It would normally have made me carsick, but that healing must have been included with all the rest of my healing, because I had no trouble at all.  I'm thankful for that and also that Mike is such an excellent driver.  

We didn't have reservations for tonight, so we stopped at 3 places and checked them out.  The one we liked best offered us a 50% discount because it was getting late and they wanted to book the room.  So we got a great room with an ocean view for cheap.  Our room was right on a popular walking path, so people walked right in front of our big window and could look in at us, which was a little odd.  We just waved at them. 

We were there in time to see our first sunset of this whole trip.  Today is the first day that it hasn't rained since we left home.  It was cold and very, very windy, but the view was gorgeous. Fort Bragg is the most beautiful place I've ever been.

Wert - day 10

Sunday, June 12, 2022

Raining when we woke up this morning.  I had new pain and made the comment to Mike that something new hurts every day.  I used to be able to scamper on the beach barefoot and climb sand dunes and hike uneven uphill trails for miles with no effect on my body at all.  Not so much anymore.  I hobbled to the bathroom feeling old and sore.  A song entered my head.  I took a shower.  I was reading in First Corinthians, and chapter 12 verse 7 jumped out at me, and I felt the Lord impressing upon me that I should pursue the gifts of the Holy Spirit not just for myself but to benefit the whole body of Christ.  As we were leaving for the 10:30 service at Bethel, I could already feel the Holy Spirit stirring in me and a sense of anticipation that He was going to do something during church, not just Bethel but also my home church of Trinity.  

When we got there, I saw Kris Vallotton, who is a rock star in my mind because he taught a lot of the classes (via video) from the class I took last year.  I approached his bodyguard (yes, he has a bodyguard: a big guy with a secret service earpiece) and asked if I could meet Kris.  He facilitated that for me and even took a picture of us together.

I was in awe of him and the fact that I was actually there at Bethel, which is a pilgrimage I've wanted to make for awhile.  Bill Johnson (an even bigger rock star to me) was scheduled to preach, which is what I had hoped for when we planned this trip, but his wife was sick so Kris was going to preach (which would have been a close second for me) but he felt like Chris Cruz had a message, so he turned it over to him.  I was disappointed but still happy to be there.

(This whole paragraph is about my awesome experience at Bethel Church.  Skip it if you're not into it.  The travel adventures continue after this paragraph.) During worship, I closed my eyes and saw a white light in the middle of my field of vision and a bunch of smaller different-colored lights encircling it.  The white light stayed stationary but the colored lights twirled all around it.  The more they moved, the bigger and brighter the white light got.  God told me that He was the white light, and we were the colored lights, and our worship was magnifying and glorifying Him.  Then Jesus said, "Do you want to come up here?" and I said, "Yes!" and He said, "Lift your arms up to me like a little kid who wants to be picked up."  I raised my arms as high as I could, and Jesus reached down and picked me up and I was among the colored lights, moving with them.  Jesus was moving among us.  After several minutes, He caught my eye from across the expanse, and we started walking towards each other.  When we got close, we wrapped our arms around each other in a tight embrace and he came into me as if by osmosis, but I could feel the substance of Him in me.  My whole body was vibrating on the inside, and I felt His healing power flowing through me.  I felt like a brand new creation, energized by His power and love. Nothing hurt in my body.  I became vaguely aware of the worship song being sung at Bethel and it seemed far away from me.  I realized it was the same song that had been in my head early this morning, and I went back down to join in singing it.  I felt like I had one foot in heaven and the other in the sanctuary.  Eventually I came all the way back down and realized I was all wet.  I thought maybe it was from swimming in the glory, but probably it was from tears and sweat.  Mike said that he saw me with my arms up high and tears streaming down my face.  Chris Cruz preached a message right to me about things I have been pondering and praying about for over a year.  It was inspiring.  And it reminded me of the verse that had been highlighted to me in my reading this morning.  I got words for a couple people from Trinity and I saw a vision/word for a lady in front of me.  I started the service in awe of Kris Vallotton and ended it in awe of Jesus. 

Last night we talked to the couple next to us at a restaurant.  They recommended visiting Sundial Bridge and Turtle Bay.  So we did that today after church.  The rain had stopped and it was a perfectly beautiful day to walk across the bridge and tell the time by the giant sundial's shadow.

 Next to the bridge, there's a wonderful walking path along the Sacramento River.

We saw hummingbirds, butterflies, and all kinds of plants.

Those look like tasty California grapes, don't they?  They are not.  They are evil, nasty horrible tasting things that probably aren't even edible.  

Torch lily

And there was a parrot aviary with beautiful birds.  You could buy food to feed them, but of course we don't have cash, so we just watched other people feed them. But then this happened:

This bird hung out on my head for a long time, even though I wasn't feeding it.  It was great!  It didn't even poop on me.  

Mike had a close encounter with some birds too, and an even closer one with a fish.

It's been an amazingly awesome day, and we're going back for the 6:00 service at Bethel tonight. 

Wert - day 9

Saturday, June 11, 2022

It was a chilly rainy morning in Crescent City.  We packed up and started driving south down the 101, which would normally be full of great views, but today all we saw was fog and rain (and Big Foot).

I tried to dry my hiking boots, clothes, and camera that were still wet from yesterday's fiasco. 

Constant rain until we headed east on 299, inland toward Redding.  Then the sun came out and it got hot.  Every time we stopped, I put my hiking boots out in the sun, because I need them to be dry so I can hike the redwood forest. 

Staying at a hotel near Bethel, where we were going to go to healing rooms tonight, but they're canceled.  Looking forward to the regular worship service in the morning. 

Wert - day 8

Friday, June 10, 2022

Back to the Little Brown Hen for breakfast. We were sitting by a mom and her two little kids. She went to use the atm when she realized they only take cash. She couldn’t remember her PIN. I gave Mike a nudge to pay their bill. We had a nice chat with them and her little boy said, “Thank you, Mr. Mike and Janel” in such a sweet way that it made me cry. When they left, the kids gave us these little origami birds.

Went in search of Phil's magical trail and found it in Siuslaw National Forest, Siltcoos Lake Trailhead.  

They update the bear signs with markers when one is sighted, but the marker was mostly washed away, so we were on the lookout for bears the whole time.  

It was indeed a magical forest, full of mist and fog, trees dripping with moss.  My imagination conjured up scenes of fairies and unicorns.  We were the only ones on the trail. 

The trail was a little muddy.  We got a little filthy.

It was raining and/or misting and/or dripping the whole way.  It was humid like a rainforest, so we shed our layers.  Mike tied his sweatshirt around his waist, but it came loose.  I was behind him, so I picked it up and carried it for a couple miles before he realized it was missing.  He tied it back on and took off down the trail (which was somehow uphill both ways).  A little while later, I saw his sweatshirt on the ground again, so I picked it up again.  Turns out he had dropped it on purpose this time and was waiting around the bend to see my reaction.  

We drove to Crescent City, California, and stayed at the Oceanfront Lodge.  When we were checking in, the guy said something about the original room we booked being unavailable so they gave us a free upgrade.  The upgrade was wonderful!  We had reserved just a regular room with a queen sized bed.  They put us in a suite with a jacuzzi in the room, a huge bathroom, a balcony with a fantastic view of the ocean, a kitchen, and a king sized bed.  Everything was old and dirty, and the toilet leaked, and the computer in the business center didn't work, and there was no water in the pool, but it was still a great place.  

I scampered across some rocks to go to this lighthouse, but when I got to it, the lighthouse keeper told me I had to hurry back because the tide was rising and I would soon be stuck on the lighthouse rock all night.  So I ran back and the water level was already higher and the rocks were underwater.  I fell into the water with my good camera and my phone.  

My phone was unscathed, but my camera has still not recovered.  I had just captured a picture of Big Foot, so my theory is he pushed me into the water in an effort to hide the evidence, but it didn't work.  I was able to recover the picture from the memory card.

I'm starting to believe this whole Sasquatch nonsense, because I saw him again while we were driving and I went to grab my phone to take his picture, and I could not find my phone.  In the car. Where could it be? After he disappeared into the mist, I found my phone right where it should be.  Then I tried to google Sasquatch, and guess what? Suddenly no internet connection.  Hmm....