Thursday, February 29, 2024
4:00 and I haven't eaten anything. God has given me lots of visions, and a verse that helped me. "So live the rest of your earthly life no longer concerned with human desires but consumed with what brings pleasure to God." - 1 Peter 4:2
Wednesday, February 28, 2204
I was determined not to eat today. Made it all day and had a plan for the tempting evening time. But then I went to church to lead worship for the ladies, and one of them had brought in chili, crackers, fudge, and apple crack, and before I even knew it, it was all in my mouth. What is wrong with me? I had literally minutes before that talked with my pastor about this very thing. I was lamenting the fact that the flow of the Holy Spirit dries up when I fail. He said it's my feeling of disappointment in myself that stops the flow. Trying again tomorrow.
Tuesday, February 27, 2204
Readjusted my own rules to make me feel better. Fasted all day except during my Costco shift, during which I pigged out. I do have more intense encounters with the Lord when I fast. I just need to discipline myself to do it.
Monday, February 26, 2024
I was going to not eat anything today, but.... That's how most of the posts start anymore, isn't it?
I’ve lost 2.6 pounds. Should have been five times more than that if I’d done it right, but loss is better than gain or even staying the same, so I’m trying to count it as a victory. Feeling pretty failurey though. Not sure I’ll be able to crawl back up on the wagon for the next week.
Anyway, I was going to fast today, but then I looked out the window and saw the garlic chives coming up in my garden already. If they're going to make the effort to debut in February, it's my duty to eat them.
So I thought, how can I make something that I can justify in my mind as a saltine? I stirred the chives up with some flour (I had planned to use oats but forgot), garlic salt, onion, garlic, and water, poured it into a pan in a thin layer and cooked it. Mike was a big fan. While it was cooking, I was dreaming up a name for it. Vegetable saltine? Evil funnel cake? Savory crepe? Mike came up with the winner: manna. Then he thanked God for it.
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| I ate this one while it was still a little pale because I couldn't wait. |
Sunday, February 25, 2024
My plan was to fast all food today but I ended up making oatmeal with raisins. Need strength for tonight. Leading worship by myself again.
I was doing well. The leader said to meet him at break time if we wanted to discuss the planning of the healing rooms. Break time is usually snack time, so I went to the planning meeting instead. But the leader is also a professional chef, and he brought pasta salad. I didn’t even try to resist. Two big plates of it. That opened the floodgates so I also finished off a bag of honey mustard pretzels. I had just been explaining my pasta rationale to my friend Eric, saying it’s basically a saltine.He saw the pretzels on my plate and said, “Those are basically flavored saltines.” I wanted the M&M’s too, but I couldn’t convince myself that they were basically colored, round saltines, so I didn’t.
Saturday, February 24, 2024
Let’s not even talk about it. Getting back on the horse tomorrow.
Friday, February 23, 2024
Spent the morning memorizing 1 Peter and turning Day 7’s poem into a song. Last night, Mike and I sat at the table like civilized humans, sincerely thanked God for our meal, and ate oatmeal with raisins. I’ve never seen Mike (who hates oatmeal) shovel so much oatmeal into his mouth so quickly, and he even said, “Mmm!” I savored every morsel and made it last a good 30 minutes. Today I’m going to work at the hospital, and I need energy. I could have had oatmeal, but warm broth sounded better. As I was heating the broth, my eyes landed on a box of 7-grain pasta in the pantry, so I put some of that in the broth. I rationalized it by telling myself they’re basically the same as saltines. Then I searched the freezer and found a bag of freezer-burned mixed vegetables, so I put them in the pot too. I”m being way more generous with myself than I intended to be, but not eating nearly as much as I’d like to be. I’m waiting for this pot of delicious nutrition to finish cooking, and it smells amazing. I'm grateful already. I usually multitask while I’m eating, but not during this fast. I’m fully present and appreciating every characteristic of every drop of food. I lick the bowl when the oatmeal is gone. I lick the inside of the saltine sleeve when it’s empty. Yogurt melts for dessert. Better than ice cream. I’m sorry I ever called them nasty.
Thursday, February 22, 2024
Last night my mom suggested I put raisins in my oatmeal for an iron boost. I found myself fantasizing about raisins for a ridiculously long time after that. I ended up going to the kitchen at almost midnight to see if we had any. I found this box of raisins that expired five years ago and had weevil webs in it, but I ate it, and you know what? Those dried up webby raisins were surprisingly good.
Nothing but water today, and not even enough of that, but my voice was decently strong at my singing lesson, and I had plenty of energy to hike in the woods with a friend and conduct a forensic autopsy on coyote bones. The joy of the Lord truly is my strength, because I got nothing else in me, and I’m unreasonably joyful! I found a quarter and a dime in the woods. 35 cents. I wondered about the meaning of the number 35. I was disappointed to find that it boringly signifies business, building, efficiency, realism, and balance. That is so not me. But then I stopped at Walmart and found a penny in the parking lot. I like the symbolism of the number 36 much better: creativity, enthusiasm, and using the imagination and intellect. :) My stomach is growling. I am hungry. As I typed that, I thought, "Well, duh!" and then I remembered Matthew 4:2, to which I always had that same reaction: "After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry." Jesus is my hero.
Wednesday, February 21, 2024
This is now officially the longest I’ve ever fasted, although technically it’s not a fast. I am eating, just not much, and not whatever I want. I’ve learned from previous fasts that I won’t go the distance with no nutrients at all, and if I’m too weak to do anything, what’s the point? I had a little chat with my pastor last night, and he referenced a story from the Bible that I know I've read several times, but I didn't remember it. (That man knows the Bible better than anyone I've ever met.) It was from 1 Samuel 14, where the Israelites are battling the Philistines, and King Saul makes this rash proclamation that nobody is allowed to eat until sundown. His son Jonathan didn't hear the proclamation, wandered into a forest dripping with honey (mmmm, just imagine!!), dipped his staff into it, put it in his mouth, and "his countenance brightened". I can relate. My countenance brightened so much when I licked that drop of honey off my finger on Day 7 that I wrote a poem about it. 😋 My pastor said the point is that you don't fast while you're in the battle. You fast before the battle to be prepared, but while you're in it, you eat, because you need the strength! His family is in a battle right now, and that's part of the reason I'm fasting. That's one thing about fasting: you make yourself weak so that others can be strengthened by your prayers. It's not the context of 2 Cor. 12:9-10, but it applies. "For when I am weak, then I am strong." When I'm physically weakened by a fast, I'm spiritually strengthened.
I messaged Mike at work and asked if he’d like a bowl of oatmeal for dinner or a cup of broth with saltines. He chose the latter. We sat at the table and enjoyed that scrumptious dinner together, after sincerely thanking the Lord for it. And we had the formerly-nasty-now-delicious yogurt melts for dessert. They taste just like ice cream to me!
Tuesday, February 20, 2024
Anticipating that Tuesdays will be my hardest days during the fast, because it’s my long day of working at Costco with all the food and then going straight to choir rehearsal. When I’ve fasted before, working at Costco is always the hardest. It’s a real test. So this morning I ate a pot of oatmeal right before I left so I would be full when I got to work. While I was driving there, I was praying, “Lord, could you give me an easy product that doesn’t require cooking, something I don’t like (which is hardly anything), like maybe those nasty yogurt bites in pharmacy?” When I got to work, I was walking down the hall where our carts are lined up, checking each one for my name, and mine was the last one. Guess what was on it? Those nasty yogurt bites in pharmacy! I had a little praise party and rejoiced that He knows, He listens, He cares about every stupid little detail. I had a wonderful day, filled with oatmeal and the joy of the Lord!
Monday, February 19, 2024
I made a smoothie with frozen banana and spinach, protein powder, almond milk, and water, and I was so crazy thankful for it that I just sat and gazed at its beauty and praised the Lord for it for a while before I drank it.
Binged on saltines again.
Good day with the Lord speaking to me and writing songs together. I’ve been feeling His presence and hearing His voice, but my Bible memorization has been extremely difficult during this fast. It was going well before, but now I have trouble focusing.
Good workout in the pool, and nice time of fellowship with the women’s group at church making a craft. There was a dinner too, but I was intentionally late so I would miss it. During the craft, one of the ladies said, “You have to try the Korean BBQ almonds I brought!” It would have been rude and awkward and wrong to say “No thanks, I’m fasting” so I thanked her, ate a couple almonds, said how yummy they were, and stopped eating them. Normally I would have eaten the whole bag.
Sunday, February 18, 2024
Up early to run the tech at church this morning. Had a bowl of oatmeal with mashed banana, cinnamon, honey, and salt. Ate it slowly and savored every flavor-drenched, nutrient-filled bite. Needed energy and vocal strength for tonight. Then I just binged on half a sleeve of saltines. While I was wiping a drip of honey from the bottle and licking it, I was struck by how incredibly sweet and delectable honey is. I spontaneously prayed a poem: "Thank You for making honey with bees and for hiding sap inside trees."
My voice was not strong, but good enough to get me through a short worship set without cracking. I stayed at the piano to provide background music for ministry that was going on, which gave me a good excuse to avoid the snack table where people were going after ministry. I played until the last person was done and then went out to the snack table where everyone had congregated. There were homemade chocolate chip cookies and other delicacies that I tried not to look at, and then…God provided for me again. He is so faithful! One of the first year students came up to me and handed me a jar of unknown liquid, which I was happy to drink. It turned out to be fruit-infused vinegar, which she had made herself and nobody else would try. It was just what I needed. So good. She was excited to tell me about it and promised to bring me a different flavor next week.
Hidden Treasures
“I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.” - Isaiah 45:3
You bury water underground
Treasure waiting to be found
You grow pearls inside of shells
Release sound from inside bells
You form babies in dark wombs
And open buds into new blooms
Thank You for making honey with bees
And for hiding sap within trees
And for Your Spirit that won’t decay
Glowing inside these jars of clay
Saturday, February 17, 2024
I was planning to have some oatmeal so I would have energy to work at the grand opening of the Cancer Institute this afternoon. But I left earlier than planned and didn’t have time to eat anything or drink much. Filled up my water bottle and left. Went to visit friends at the hospital and then walked to the Institute, which was not where I thought it was, so ended up being a much longer walk in the cold wind. Finally got there and refilled my water bottle and hoped I’d make it through more walking, herding people on tours.
While I was waiting with my tour group, one of the chefs in the teaching kitchen was making a smoothie. I watched him put in spinach, fresh ginger, pineapple, banana, and I said to him, “I want a smoothie real bad.” He said, “I’d be happy to make you one! What kind would you like?” I told him whatever he’s making would be great, and he poured me a glass. It was exactly what I needed. I’m amazed at the ways God provides. There was also cucumber water available at this event, so I filled up my water bottle with that and then went to church, where I was working tech and drank lots of water. A busy happy day of serving, with no time to think about food, and the Lord sustained me with enough energy to do all the things all day long.
Friday, February 16, 2024
Weak and hungry. Woozy and moving slowly. Wondering how I’ll be able to do my job tonight that requires strength and energy. Planning to have some oatmeal before I go. Mike was telling me about the delicious buffet he had last night at a hockey game (he took a day off from the fast), and I got so into his description that a little trickle of drool actually escaped the corner of my mouth. Watching a cooking class webinar. I miss food. Having trouble getting focused on the Lord. Swore once this morning but caught myself a few times and didn’t. Still swearing in my mind more than I should be.
I told myself that I could have oatmeal this afternoon. I thought about that oatmeal all morning. By 11:15, I thought, “If I start heating the water right now and I do it real slowly, it will be afternoon by the time it’s done.” When the water finally got hot enough, I put in the oats, stirred them around and watched them swirling and dancing in the water. After ten minutes, I took them off the heat so they wouldn’t get mushy, but it was only 11:54, so I set them on the counter, smelled them, and breathed in the steam, imagining how good they were going to taste. At 11:59, I loaded some onto a spoon and positioned it in front of my mouth, so as soon as the clock turned 12:00, I shoveled it in. I made a big pot full of oats, and I ate it all. I’m full and ready to work.
I got to work at OSF and saw this gauze pack on the desk. I was sure it was fresh mozzarella.
The Lord’s message to me today is that He will finish what He started in me. Give Him the little I have to offer, and in His big hands, it is more than enough. You see the light more clearly in darkness. It shines brighter.
Thursday, February 15, 2024
I had a singing lesson this morning, and my teacher right away noticed my voice sounded different. She asked me if I’ve been sick. I told her I’ve been fasting, and she said she could tell, because my voice is weak. Having trouble getting my brain to recite the scriptures that I have memorized. Feeling weak. Made it through the whole day and then caved in the evening. Ate a bunch of saltines and a big smoothie made with almond milk, protein powder, spinach and banana. I think I may have figured out what was causing my stomach issues yesterday. Electrolytes on an empty stomach. Not drinking Liquid IV anymore. No stomach problems today. I learn something every time I fast. Didn’t spend enough time with God today. Working on a project that took most of the day. I did ask Him what songs He wanted to do for Sunday night, and He was faithful to tell me.
Wednesday, February 14, 2024
I forgot to mention that Mike is fasting with me! That makes it so much easier. I don't have to worry about feeding him or feel guilty for not feeding him, and we can empathize with each other's suffering. He's not doing exactly the same fast, but we're in it together.The Lord directed me to Deuteronomy 30 and spoke to me about choices. I have the power to choose life or death. Today I choose life and health in my physical, emotional, and spiritual being! Verse 14 says, “But the word is very near you. It is in your mouth and in your heart, so that you can do it.” His word is in my mouth; I don't need food in my mouth. I can do it!
Feeling surprisingly good today. Went to water aerobics and had plenty of energy. Of course I would like to eat, but so far I’ve been able to distract myself (of course, it’s only noon, and the hardest part is usually the evening).
Well, now it’s 3:00pm, and I’m having stomach upset and feeling cold and not great.
9:00pm update: I had a couple minor slips tonight. My stomach felt bad, empty and churning so I ate several saltines. Felt better but ate more than I should have of something that I wasn’t planning on eating during the fast at all, let alone on day 3. This is the first day that a swear word came out of my mouth too. Not in anger or insult, just as an adjective that I’d like to stop using. Caught myself right away and got back on track.
Tuesday, February 13, 2004
Not hungry and woke up with no desire to eat. Cleaned my bathroom and did some vacuuming to warm myself. Did it in sections because I don't have much energy. Feeling pleasantly dizzy. Stomach started growling and I wanted to eat. Drank a cucumber-mojito Liquid IV, just because I wanted something warm. I heated it on the stove and stirred it with a whisk and pretended I was cooking something. I don’t normally like that flavor much, but right now it’s delicious. And delightfully warm. I was going to try to last on plain water a little longer, but it’s all good. Spent some time with God and wrote a song based on a vision He gave me.
I was scheduled to work at my food-centric job today, but my boss said to take the day off. That has never happened before. God's grace for sure. I didn’t request the day off, didn’t mention anything at all to anyone, but here I am with a day off and thankful for it! Cooking and serving and talking about and being surrounded by food all day at work is probably the most difficult part of fasting.
Monday, February 12, 2024
Today is the day of small beginnings. Zech. 4:10 tells us, "Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin." And Phil. 1:6 tells us that He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it. When I was walking out of the library today, I felt strangely separate from this world, almost like I was floating in another realm. Being driven by earthly things ties me to this world. Shifting my focus lets me more easily pass through the thin veil that divides Earth from the spiritual realm.
It wasn’t a bad day, but now it’s evening and I’m feeling irritable, tired, a little cold and headachy, and I want to eat. My stomach growled a few times, probably just out of habit. I snacked on a bowl of ice until Shiloh got to it. Made me wish someone would invent hot ice or just crunchy water or something to do with your mouth that doesn’t make you cold. Went to pool class and everyone talked about food. First 24 hours down. 480 to go.
